Beauty from Ashes

I can't stop thanking God for bringing us from the ashes and turning everything into His beauty. He has blessed us beyond our wildest dreams, even in all of the pain, loss, and heartache. Healing, grace, faithfulness, love beyond comprehension, and restoration of hope. God is amazing. He is beautiful, and He works all things for good when we love Him with our lives.

Years ago we started our foster journey completely blind to what we were getting into. We thought we were going to rescue these kids, adopt them, and raise them in Christ's love, living happily ever after with a few bumps here and there, but nothing we couldn't handle. Right. 6 years, 15 kids, and more tears than I could ever count later, we have arrived. We have our forever family!

I never thought I could recover. I never thought I could heal. I had been torn into billions of pieces when promised adoption and a year later watching that adoption fail, while seeing our precious children go back to the hands that beat and neglected them so severely. It was the worst form of torture. There were days I laid down on the floor, no strength in me left to stand, just balling and thinking I could die there in the loss and agony of knowing my children were living a nightmare and I couldn't help them, or just be there to comfort them. I will never forget collapsing on the ground in complete agony the day our daughter left. I cannot describe that kind of heartache to anyone who hasn't lived through it, and am frustrated by those who try to compare it to losing a loved one. It is very different. Through a miscarriage, we lost three children in the time everyone thought we had lost two, and honestly, we could only handle people knowing about two. Nothing else could matter at that point, because we knew the pain and agony those two were facing without us there to hold them and protect them. They became ours, then were torn away to be abused by strangers.

There were times I wanted to quit foster care and never look back. We would have lost so much more without even knowing it if we had.

When I would start to lose trust in God, He would rescue me from myself. When my faith would falter, He remained faithful and would gently bring me back. When my strength fell flat and I became nothing, He became my strength and my everything. When I cried until I had no tears left, He cried for me. When I screamed and shouted at Him in my prayers of agony, He was merciful and gave me grace. When I repeated the same prayers over and over again and again, He listened and was patient. When I gave up hope, He rescued me and renewed my hope.

When God brought our sweet little one to us, it was at a very dark point in time for me. I had lost hope, I wanted to be done with foster care, I was scared to love again and lose, and I was scared of what seeing another precious child go back to an abuser would do to me spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. But despite our attempts not to get attached this time, we fell completely in love with her. It was a very emotional fight to protect her, with many spiritual lows for me, but God had mercy on her and us. I would say, "When God rescued her, He rescued us too." After going through so much, it was hard to fully understand adoption was happening until it was done. Even then, it didn't fully set in that she was OUR DAUGHTER and we were a FOREVER family until the day we dedicated her to Christ and had her adoption party. What an amazing experience we had longed for and waited for for so long.

Our precious tiny one came to us at just the right time. We had just finished adopting our daughter, and had told our agency the previous week that we weren't accepting more children. Then, less than a week later, we got the call. A beautiful baby girl for adoption. Our agency thought of us immediately and called. God is amazing in how He works. Here we are the parents of two beautiful daughters. A forever family. You know, they always talk about kids finding their forever families, but the truth is, we got a forever family too. This is a beautiful blessing. God has been so gracious to us.

Our daughters are so beautiful and precious. They are the sweetest girls. I feel like the luckiest mom in the world. Watching their personalities develop is amazing and beautiful. Joy beyond measure. I love and cherish every single minute with them. Even in the tantrums, I don't care, I love them like crazy and am so, so thankful that I get to be there to experience it all with them. We know what it means to lose, and have learned to cherish every minute we are given.

As we heal as a family, I am constantly reminded of where we came from and how God has brought us from the ashes into His beauty. "Beauty for ashes..." What an amazing God we serve.

Letting Go the Best Way We Know How

When a foster child doesn't work out in your home for whatever reason, it can be extremely difficult in many ways. First, you go through stages of frustration, hurt, denial, grief, and then actually preparing yourself for them to leave. Second, deciding how to handle them being moved. Third, helping each child deal with yet another loss.

Our boy is gone. We knew for a long time this was coming. We tried everything to avoid it, seeking all the psychological and emotional help we could for him, but nothing worked. His conditions were permanent and would only get worse with time, and safety was becoming an issue.

As foster parents you get into this mode of feeling like you have to save them all, or as many as you possibly can. But, the cold harsh truth is that you can't. Not only do some go back to previous situations, but some "just aren't a good fit" and need to be moved. In the mix of emotions you go through during the process of recognizing, admitting, and going through with moving them, you can even feel resentment toward the child for not letting you help them, not being grateful for giving all you had and more to "rescue" them, for seeming to throw all of your efforts out the window.... But, trauma training and your training in the different disorders and mental conditions remind you these feelings, although natural, are wrong.

By the time our boy left, there was a huge sense of relief. We had already been through all of the emotions and stages, but had to wait much longer before they moved him (and yes, at our request). The thing we struggled with the most was feeling guilt. Guilt for feeling so relieved. While we had several months to prepare ourselves, he only had a week (for safety reasons we could not tell him sooner). While we were experiencing relief, he was just starting to experience the stages of grief and loss. He didn't want to go. He was happy here and wanted to stay. But, we knew that, although our decision was mainly based on what was best for our family and other kids, it was also best for him.

How do you handle it when you have come to terms with this, and want the child to be moved? Here are some tips from our experiences and things therapists and caseworkers have helped us with. These tips will even help in situations where the child is moved for other reasons (reunification, moving to biological families, etc.)

1. Never say it's the child's fault. Maybe it is in your opinion. Maybe they did so many horrible things to you that you wanted them to know they could have had a great life with you, but they screwed it up. Think I'm crazy for saying that? Truth is, I've heard plenty of stories where foster families did just that. When a child has already endured so much loss and heartache, no matter how "nasty" they were to you and your family, you need to remember that this is a HUGE loss for them. The words you choose in this transition will stay close to them for the rest of their lives. Instead, be positive. Use wording that doesn't put the blame on you, and especially not them. Blame free. Just loving. If you have to practice what to say in advance, then do it. They need to know that you loved them, cared for them, and they were wanted.

2. Send information to help the next placement. We always make up a list of things to know/daily routines for our kids when they move. We do this for the ones going to biological family members when we lose them, and for the ones we have chosen to move. It helps the next family and the child through the transition. Transitions are hard enough, but we of all people should know they are that much harder when there is absolutely no information, or you are given just what the caseworker knows. Yikes. Let's not put another family through that if we can help it. 

3. Don't send kids with garbage bags. We've all seen it far too many times, and maybe some reading this have done it without thought. Please stop. What does it tell these kids when we send them away with their belongings in garbage bags? These kids are worth far more than that kind of treatment. They are precious human beings, who should feel loved, cherished, and valuable. We always send our kids to local moves with big plastic storage tubs decorated just for them (even when going back to their birth parents). We put their names on the bins, use stickers, pictures, etc. to make them special for them. For those getting on planes, we buy nice new luggage and ribbons in their favorite colors and make them look nice and unique (Note: most agencies will reimburse some of the expense of buying new luggage for your foster kids when they are flying somewhere). Our kids leave with a sense of pride that their belongings are stored in something unique and made with love for them. 

4. Make a memory book. When a child has been with you for a while, it helps fill in the gaps for them later in life if you send them with a memory book. You can use the Life Books foster agencies provide, but our kids leave with homemade scrapbooks (often, birth parents are even thankful for these). If the child is old enough and into art and crafts, let them help you make the scrapbook as a final project together. Even if the child has only been with you a short while, provide some pictures of their time with you when they go (if possible).

5. Make those last few days special. Do the things you know your kid enjoys, go all out, and make them feel extra special. Again, I am aware that you may have some fears and bad vibes going on between you and your child, but it is so important to make them feel extra special and supported during those last few days. It can be little things and big things. For our kids we often take them to Chuck-E-Cheese's, Zap Zone, to their favorite restaurants, parks, play places, etc. If their thing is more family time, we have family game nights and movie nights before they go. Anything to reinforce that feeling of being loved and wanted. This means the world to them.

6. If safe and possible, send your phone number, or email address to aid in the child's transition. It is helpful and nice for the kids to have that open connection with you, even for just the transition part of things. Again, only do this if it is safe and possible. Some birth families should never have your contact information. I have an email account I use just for foster care and adoption that has no connection to me whatsoever. That may be a good option in some cases. No contact is understandable too in some situations. (Note to other family members: Do not give the child your contact information without the foster parents' consent. Please respect that the foster parents know the situation far better than you do.)

When our boy came to us, his caseworker told us the previous foster home didn't prepare him for a move, or even tell him. They just met him in a parking lot with garbage bags filled with some of his belongings and the caseworker to move him. The only thing I ever promised was that we would never do that to him. That if he needed to be moved from us, we would let him know in advance and help him through it. He remembered that promise over a year later, and thanked us for keeping it. He was proud of the huge bins decorated just for him and filled with all of his belongings. We bought him books to help with transitions. We filled his last weeknights with fun activities he enjoyed. We gently spoke to him about the move in love and were mindful of his emotions and feelings. We validated his feelings, and just continued to remind him that we loved him. Did he act out during that week? Of course. But we never responded in anything but love and understanding for what he was going through. He walked away feeling loved, wanted, and special.

Adoption
When Your Gain is Someone Else's Loss

As we move toward finalizing our sweet little one's adoption, the joy and thankfulness can be overwhelming at points. It is such a gift to be a part of this beautiful little girl's life. I constantly am thanking God that I get to be a part of her life, and that she gets to be a part of mine. I am in awe and so thankful that I get to be her mommy forever. It's beautiful.

I keep in contact with our daughter's birth family through emails and pictures. The family is so thankful that my husband and I are willing to keep this contact with them, and offer future meetings with her biological siblings. Our sweet little one isn't old enough to know who her birth family is, but we are allowing that connection to continue because we know it will, one day, mean the world to her. We will never hide that she is adopted, even though we've had her since infancy. We will always be completely honest with her about her situation and how she came to us. But, to have this connection with her birth family will spare her from missing pieces of her life that so many adopted children have.

I recognize that not all adopted children can have contact with their birth families, and that this is a very unique, and sometimes difficult, opportunity. And, when a birth family does not sign off their rights before they lose their rights in court, the judge can order that they never have contact with the child again until at least 18 years of age (a lot of times this is to protect the child). Our daughter's birth family knew they would lose their rights, and loved her enough that they didn't want to risk that ruling, so they made that difficult decision to sign off their rights. They had come to know us over that year, and knew how much we love our daughter. Although that didn't make their decision any easier, it gave them peace of mind knowing she was loved, cherished, and being given a life they knew they could not provide. It gave them peace knowing that we are a loving Christian home who would keep in contact with them after everything was done.

Recently, our sweet little one's birth family has told us about their regrets, fears, loss, and pain, while also knowing they made the right decision at the end to let her go. It broke my heart. In the midst of our joy, they are struggling to come to terms with all that happened. In our thanking God, they are asking for peace in the pain. Our gain is their loss. The reality of that is setting in. I am grateful they shared this with us, but heartbroken for them, and feel a new level of responsibility that I didn't realize before.

Sometimes as foster parents, we look at the condition these kids are in when they first come to us, and assume the worst about the birth families who did this to them. We easily think and know that we are the better and safer family for these kids. We assume these parents could have never loved, or cared for these kids to leave them in such horrible conditions, have them removed, let alone to have their rights terminated. But, we often forget that although in some cases that's true, it isn't always. You can see it especially in the birth families who fight hard, and when they realize they can't win, choose their child's happiness and well being over their own desires to be with them, and let them go. We recognize the loss, but somehow think it was deserved, or couldn't be that big of a loss given how we got the kids in the first place. But that just isn't true in many cases. These birth families made mistakes, big mistakes, or maybe they weren't in the financial or stable position we are in, or maybe they have disabilities or disorders that prevent them from being able to care for a child. It doesn't mean they don't love them. And it doesn't mean they don't feel the loss and heartache.

When we lost our first daughter, the pain, agony, heartache, and loss were unbearable. I felt like a huge piece of my being was stripped away and taken from me. It felt like my heart was torn out and being smashed and shattered into billions of pieces over and over again and again. I agonized for years. I still hurt severely from that loss. I still think about her every single day, wishing I had peace of mind knowing that she was actually safe and loved. Wondering, is she warm at night, is she being cared for, is she getting anything to eat, is she being abused or neglected, does she remember me even in the slightest bit? It haunts my mind, and the tears creep up on me in the strangest moments. It is a hole in me that can never be filled again. I know the pain of losing a child all too well. And, although the circumstances were different, and we didn't do anything to lose our child and fought selflessly to save her, it doesn't mean they are hurting any less than us in their loss. I think of my pain in loss, and I'm filled with grief for them in their loss, while I rejoice in this adoption.

Our gain and rejoicing is our sweet little one's birth family's loss and pain. It is sobering, and we move forward with respect, love, and empathy. 

A Glimpse Into the Lives of Foster/Adoptive Parents
(To Aid Friends and Family in Understanding)

Life as a foster parent is messy. It is complicated. It is overwhelming, and often draining. It is also beautiful. I'm going to be as honest as possible, while writing this in a way that non-foster parents will understand. I think as foster parents, we tend to shut down, give people what they want to hear, only speak about the positives, and accept that most just will never understand us, or our kids. So, let me be honest for a moment and show you a glimpse of what we deal with when we have high needs children in our homes.

Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) - RAD is caused in those early years when a child is supposed to be developing healthy bonds and attachments. Those healthy loving connections help the child's brain and body to develop properly. But, when a child is neglected and abused, moved around from place to place, etc. that loving attachment is never properly formed. This disorder is formed in those early developmental years of trauma, and affects them for the rest of their lives. It makes them unable to form solid, healthy, loving relationships and attachments when they are brought out of those situations and into good loving homes. It is a very painful and frustrating disorder to work with at times, and a lot of foster children have it. Here are some examples that can happen due to this disorder (but note, every child is different and have different levels of this disorder. It can be much worse, or not as bad):


1. Jill has been moved from foster home to foster home because she never could form attachments, and always acted out severely at random. Her previous foster homes complained about her disobedience when told to hurry up, get ready to go, put her dishes away, etc. She would refuse to cooperate, and then act out severely after being redirected. Her new foster family knows about RAD and what it can look like. They learned about some of her past, and realize her brain is just "misfiring" at points. She spaces out when told to do something, which often is confused with disobedience. When she struggles and spaces out like that, they know to gently bring her back and remind her of what she was doing, rather than acting like she was being disobedient and punishing her (which would trigger the severe behaviors). Although they understand her behaviors, it doesn't make it easy. Her inability to bond with them makes the other things she struggles with that much harder to help heal.

2. Sandy is in her second foster home. She was removed from the other home because she always felt threatened and in need to compete with other children for attention. That feeling of competition drives her to become violent with other children at times. Her new foster home creates healthy boundaries, rules, schedules, routines, therapies, and every help they can possibly get for her, but, although there is some improvement, she continues to act out. The foster parents are desperate for more help and support, but it just isn't there. They struggle daily to help Sandy make it through the day without having a meltdown.

3. Freddie is a sweet little boy who has been in and out of foster care several times in his short life. He attaches and latches onto every stranger, teacher, friend of the family, and even extended family members, but he pushes away from his adoptive parents and siblings. He never attaches to them or bonds with them, yet is so clingy, needy, and attached to complete strangers. This hurts his adoptive family. They weren't told about this disorder, and struggle to understand why he can attach and latch onto everyone except them. At points he even tries to make others think his adoptive family is bad, just so he can get that extra attention and affection from the people who do not really know him.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) - It is common for children who have been removed from severely abusive homes to have PTSD. Some is caused from sexual abuse, some from physical abuse, some from severe neglect at crucial moments, etc. The complicated thing about PTSD in children and even toddlers is that there are different things that trigger their memories, and can cause them to have different reactions. A lot of times these are misunderstood as just bad behavior, depression, attention problems, etc. And often it is really hard to figure out what all triggers them. PTSD is treatable with a good therapy program and lots of time, patience, love, and support. Here are a few examples of situations foster parents face with children struggling with PTSD (and again, every child is different and has different levels of this disorder):

1. Billy was beaten every time he wouldn't take a nap, if he wet his pants, or when he spilled something or made a mess, etc. Billy's foster parents don't know everything that happened to him, they just know that he was removed for abuse. They can't figure out why every time he drops something, he immediately freezes, stares off into nothing, won't respond, won't move, and won't do anything at all. He completely shuts down. The foster parents struggle to understand why this keeps happening. When they ask him to go potty, he just stands there and pees all over the floor and himself, motionless. It takes several minutes to finally get him to acknowledge them. When he "snaps out of it," and is asked why he did it, he just starts crying uncontrollably for long lengths of time. Every time they try to give him a nap or tuck him in at night, he just starts shaking, can't move, and is unable to communicate. Although they get the help he needs, they struggle because this is a multiple-times-a-day situation.

2. Samantha was severely neglected and forced to starve for days on end. When she needed her mom the most, she was never there. If she fell down and got hurt, she would be left to cry and bleed on her own. She knew not to go to her mom for help, because she would just be beaten for bothering her. Every time Samantha gets hurt or feels hungry at all, she is reminded of what happened to her, and she is triggered. She starts crying and screaming uncontrollably for hours and hours, and because it is something like getting a scratch, a little bump, or even just feeling a little hungry before meal or snack time, the foster parents struggle to understand what her triggers are and why she is acting out like this. The screaming is deafening, and the foster parents are unable to ease her mind during these episodes, so they just endure the screaming and crying for hours upon hours a day, often multiple times a week, while seeking the treatment she needs.

3. Bob was beaten every time he asked a question, every time he asked for help, and every time he did anything bad. His new foster home is working hard to reassure him he is safe now and they will never hurt him, but when something reminds him of what he went through before, all the reassuring in the world seems useless. He becomes violent, breaks everything in his path, starts yelling, cussing, screaming, and is no longer the loving sweet boy he was just minutes ago. His episodes can last for hours. It is like he becomes someone else every time he is triggered. No one understands what the foster parents are going through at home with him, because he is such a sweet boy most of the time. So, the foster parents have no support and no one to listen and understand their struggles. They feel alone, while trying everything to help this sweet boy heal.

Genetic Mental Illnesses - Often children are in foster care because their biological parents have mental illnesses that cause them to be abusive, neglectful, drug addicts, alcoholics, and often criminals. When a foster child comes into the system, they are not evaluated for any form of illnesses or disorders. They are just given a physical exam by a pediatrician if removed during the day, or, if removed at night, get a physical exam done one to two days later when the foster parents can get them into a doctor. There really is no way for a foster parent to know what they are dealing with until things start happening. And even then, the process of figuring out, is it PTSD, RAD, attention seeking, testing phases, different levels of trauma, or a mental illness of some kind takes time. It is a long process that can often take years to figure out. Here are a few examples of mental illnesses and what foster parents face (again, every child is different, there are multiple kinds of mental illnesses, and there is no way to make someone fully understand what they all look like to any degree):

1. Laura seems to have a lot of the typical issues foster children face. She has RAD, a mild form of PTSD, and is high needs in a few areas of development. She often seems like a normal healthy girl, but what people don't know is that she randomly becomes angry, self harming, and like a whole different person at home. There are some days she is extremely happy, other days she cuts herself and won't get out of bed all day long, and other days where she just seems angry at everyone and everything, making everyone around her as miserable as possible. Her adoptive parents have given her all of the therapies offered, but now have to get a psychiatrist involved. They are exhausted, worried, stressed, and fearful of what will happen to her and to their other kids in this long process of diagnosis and treatment.

2. Joe seems to struggle with making good choices. At first his adoptive parents thought it was RAD causing these behaviors, but something about it seemed extra troubling. He laughed when his friend's dad died, and seems happy at others' pain. If others are happy, he tries to sabotage it. He has no regard for others' feelings, and constantly seeks power and control over everyone. He always seems to think he deserves better than anything people can give him, and feels sorry for himself at all times. He steals, lies, manipulates, beats animals and other children at random, and tries to hurt his adoptive family without hesitating. His adoptive parents try everything and nothing changes. The adoptive parents seek out new help in psychiatry. The parents feel alone and isolated in these struggles that no one seems to understand.

3. Jenny's past made her foster parents believe her behaviors were PTSD related. They thought she was being triggered by things that brought up memories, and they got her all the counseling they could to help her through it. She continues to get worse. Her triggers are becoming more random than before. She is out of control most of the time. She gets violent and screams, sometimes all throughout the night and into the next day. They begin to realize it is more than PTSD. The foster parents are drained, worn out, exhausted, and realize it is time to seek psychiatric help.

Food - Food in and of itself can often be a major problem for foster/adoptive children. Some were starved, some were taught by drug-addict parents to purge themselves, some view food as security. Here are a few examples of food issues kids can face:

1. Kevin was starved and neglected before found and brought into his current foster home. Although Sam sees that the foster family has lots of food always available to him, he struggles to understand that he will never go hungry again. He overeats during meals and asks for snacks constantly. At school and the babysitter's house, he lies to everyone saying they starve him at home, or that he didn't get to eat a meal that day, or is really hungry to get more food. At home there are safe food rules in place to help him through his trauma and food issues, but others don't understand and just want to help make him feel better. Some shake their heads at the foster parents, thinking they underfeed or don't feed him at all. These people make Kevin's problems worse.

2. Betty understood what it meant to go hungry and without for days and days while her parents were gone. She knew that when they brought food home, she'd have to sneak it into her room and save some for the days she would go without. In her new home, she is in therapy and learning that she never has to worry about going hungry again. She struggles to understand it. She stashes the food in her closet, dresser, under her bed, in her locker at school, etc. She does this to make sure that she is going to be ok if her foster parents let her down.

3. Daniel loves food. He knows what it is like to have plenty, and he knows what it is like to go hungry. Sometimes he sees it as comfort, and other times he just wants to enjoy as much as he can in the moment, without regard to what might happen if he doesn't stop eating. His adoptive family works with him on this issue, but he still randomly eats so much that he randomly vomits all over everything. His adoptive family is trying to teach him about healthy portions, and that he can enjoy more later if he waits. Others think the adoptive parents are cruel to limit his food intake, so they sneak more food to him, not understanding the situation. This interferes with his treatment plan.

These are some examples of issues foster/adoptive parents face on a regular basis. Again, these stories are made up and not real, but based on real situations families face to aid understanding. Please remember that foster/adoptive parents are dealing with far more than they ever let on, far more than you ever see or hear, and far more than most could imagine going through. Foster parents also have added stresses of appointments, regular inspections, visits, and all the other requirements on top of caring for their precious children. They need your understanding, support, friendship, prayers,  love, and encouragement.

Foster parents also need to know that you will still be there for them if they realize they can't do it anymore and have to let a child go. There is so much guilt, loss, fear, sadness, and a sense of failure that goes into a foster parent having to make that tough decision to let go of a child for their family's health and safety. Please do not leave them alone in that struggle.

Foster parents need your love and support while children are in their homes, and when the children are gone. They truly love their foster children, so please respect that. Support them, lift them up. Remember, they are doing something for this world that most others would never do. They are putting aside all of their own wants and needs, and giving everything they've got and more to the children who come into their homes and lives. They take in complete strangers and make them family. They give these kids a second, third, fourth chance. They love them. They cherish them. They would do anything for them. They deserve your respect and support.

Physical, Emotional, and Spiritual Health
Of a Foster Parent
(The Painful Truth)

There I was, a foster parent for almost 5 years, stay-at-home mom for 4 1/2 years, loving and caring for our precious medically fragile child. Things have not always been great as a foster parent, in fact there have been far more hard times than good. I have not healed and will never feel completely moved on from our other precious children we have lost to some terrifying situations. But, this was different. After almost giving up and quitting the foster parenting scene, I finally had a glimpse of good, a glimpse of happiness for the first time in years. Holding our sweet little one, and watching her adorable personality develop is like a little ray of sunshine in this dark world my eyes have been opened to since starting foster care. It is a breath of fresh air. Life.

Fear - With finding the ability to love so deeply again and that sweet ray of sunshine came fear - fear of loss, fear of watching the same outcome I've seen so many times, fear of what this precious child would endure if the system failed like so many times before, fear of what that would do to this sweet child, and honestly, fear of what that would do to me to see it happen again. You can tell me I'm wrong to have fear, but if you fully understood how many children we've lost to bad situations, while praying in full faith and belief that God would rescue them, you wouldn't be so quick to judge.

Guilt - Guilty that I was needing to let go and be able to allow myself to move on with life apart from my other children. Holding on with what little pieces I had left. All the while, holding on was killing me inside and out. So much guilt for that need to be released from the waiting, the pain, and the unknown.

With fear, guilt, and a lack of control over anything that happens, comes stress. Stress that is an unnecessary evil to add to the already stressful life of foster care, let alone caring for a medically fragile infant.

Stress - Let's talk about the stress. Every mother understands the stresses involved with parenting (along with the guilt of feeling stressed out over the most precious little people in your life), but foster parenting comes with a whole different level of stress. An unnatural stress. Typical parenting stress is natural, though often a lot to handle, still natural. Fostering comes with the unnatural levels of stress that go far beyond regular parenting stresses. Keeping your house perfectly presentable at all times for random home inspections on top of the multiple "home visits" you have a month; taking your kids to visits with their biological parents (which presents a whole new form of all kinds of emotions and stress I will not go into); all of the appointments required for foster kids; the extra amount of care, attention, and emotional availability foster children so desperately need at all times; the constant filing, paperwork, journals, phone calls (so many phone calls every single day), court hearings, etc. These are all things added on top of the normal parenting. Add to that all the extra care and appointments needed for a medically fragile child (which really is a pure joy too). 

Sleep - Everyone knows there is a lack of sleep with infants in the house, but when that infant is medically fragile, that means a lot less sleep. And although I am blessed with an amazing husband who was taking turns with me at night/early morning, I was exhausted all the time. 

Over time, the emotional and physical exhaustion just becomes your norm, and although you are aware of it, you can feel almost incapable of doing anything to stop it. It is so easy, as a foster parent, to lose yourself.

I continued to put everyone else and everything else above my own needs. I knew I was having some pretty serious physical issues, but I chose to ignore them to focus solely on my husband and kids. I forgot all I knew about taking time for myself, and gave every piece of my attention and energy to everyone else. Slowly, but surely, I began to give into the feeling that I had no control and there was nothing I could do, but to continue giving what little I had left to give.

I was wrong. My wake up call came when I finally went to the doctor to address my physical pain and fatigue. While there, I found myself admitting to just how out of control my life had gotten. My diet, my health, my exercise, my alone time, my spiritual life. Everything in my life was out of control to keep everyone else' lives in order.  I burst into tears in the middle of my doctor's office while shamefully admitting my pathetic state. I was so embarrassed and felt like a complete mess. She gave me no more than 3 months to get myself back on track, so we could figure out which health issues were related to stress, and which ones were not. She gave me some guidelines which included changing my diet, daily exercise, 1 hour of "me time" at least 3x/wk, and personal care changes (including attending physical therapy, chiropractic care, etc.). I agreed to everything she suggested, and we set up a follow-up appointment to make sure I stayed on track.

I came home, and shamefully admitted to my husband that I had burst into tears at the doctor's office, explained why, and told him all the new things I would have to do over the next few months. Being the great husband that he is, he agreed to help me work on everything. I started a daily health journal, and worked on improving my physical, emotional, and spiritual health.

Everything was helping a little, but the weight I felt from holding onto the past and not being able to let go became more obvious. The hidden, unspoken cause of so much stress and guilt was about our previous children we had lost. I realized I had to be able to move on, but in order to do that, my husband needed to be willing to let go too. We were almost holding each other down in our grief and agony. In every single decision, move, thought, everything was decided and guided by the possibility that our previous children might come back to us. Everything in our world was revolving around not being able to move on. When there is no closure, it is impossible to really say goodbye and move on with life. But, we had to let ourselves find a way to move on without the closure. We had to let go of the "What if."

Finally, during one of our evening walks together, I gathered the courage to finally say it. As my husband again said something about the "What if" and making another decision based on that, I blurted out that I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't constantly be thinking about the what if anymore. I needed to live...really live, and I couldn't unless allowed to move on and stop asking and basing every single decision on the "What if" and the kids we no longer had. I felt like the lowest of lows admitting this. I felt like I was betraying my precious kids I loved with everything in me and more. After a series of events, my husband agreed with me. For the first time in years, we started making decisions without asking, "What if." We finally are able to live in the now.

It wasn't until being able to move on from what was and who/what we've lost, and being able to just focus on our current children and our current lives, that I finally felt the extra stress start to lift. My diet changes, life changes, and ability to move on changed everything and made the typical foster care stresses more manageable again. And as our cases come to a close, the stress lifts more and more. I cannot say all of my health issues were caused by the stress, they weren't, but relieving that stress and remembering to take care of myself again has made a huge impact.

Foster parents, learn from my mistakes. Don't get lost in the mess of things. Remember to take care of your own physical, emotional, and spiritual needs.

To the Traumatized Foster Parent
You Are Not Alone

You know who you are. You can feel it in the depths of your being. You ache. You agonize. You see the images of the mangled faces and bodies of the children you've cared for. You repeat their cases over and over in your head wondering if there was something else you could have done to stop them from going back to their abusers. You constantly think, "What if?" When people tell you how hard it must be and that they couldn't handle it, you are angered that they think for some reason you can and that is why you do this. Anytime anyone asks you about the children you've cared for in the past, you see those images again - the images of those blood-filled eyes, the black and blue hand prints around their necks, the burns around their legs, ...... the images you can never share with others that you have seen - and while holding back the tears, you give a brief distant answer making them feel like you've shared a lot. When you see a child in the store who reminds you of your sweet foster child, the tears creep up on you, then the memories, and you have to force yourself to look away.

The images...If only you could get those images out of your mind! The reason you dressed your foster child in long sleeves and pants in the middle of summer, or wouldn't let your friends or family see them for the first week or two - you were protecting them from what you've seen, and protecting the child from being looked at with pity, disbelief, or dismay. The reason you weren't allowed to let your child look in the mirror for weeks on end. The reason you weren't allowed to take them out in public unless to go to the hospital or doctor's office for rechecks and more tests. The reason that nurse or doctor quit their job because they saw what you saw and couldn't handle risking seeing that again.

And these innocent little ones went back to their abusers because someone didn't do their job, someone lied, someone didn't care, someone withheld information they didn't think the judge needed to hear, someone decided they weren't paid enough to even try. They are gone, yet still living on in the abuse you once thought you saved them from.

You have to live with those images worse than any abuse case they show on the news. You live with the memories of that child's healing process in your care. How they came to life in your home. How they called you mommy or daddy immediately, and were so happy to hear they didn't have to go back to their old mommy or daddy who did this to them. How many times you held that child while they went into a PTSD or RAD attack hurting you or even themselves, peeing on you, and spitting in your face. The progress they made while discovering you would love them unconditionally, you wouldn't hurt them, you wouldn't give up, and you weren't going anywhere. Then that horrible nightmare of a memory of having to watch as they were sent back. They thought it was their fault. You tried and tried to tell them it wasn't their fault, but they still think it was. They thought you didn't want them, or they were just too bad for you, and although you told them over and over again that isn't true, they begin to believe the lie over time as they move back into their old lives filled with abuse, neglect, and hurt.

You've lost friends and family because of them not understanding what you've seen, what you've protected them from seeing, what you've gone through, or just how much you agonize for your children daily. You wore out your few close friends who stood by you, because you cried so much for so long and just couldn't think or talk about anything else for such a long time. You saw how they were exhausted and trying to hang in there with you, and you felt horrible. You were always the one there for everyone else, and now you were the one relying on any listening ear hoping to somehow feel even just a bit of relief, have a bit of good advice to pull through this, to just....you didn't even know. So you tried to give your friends a break by talking to other people who you knew didn't care and could brush it off with a, "Wow, they are messed up!" Then you realized that was bad and didn't work anyway, so you decided you should just keep it to yourself. After months go by, everyone thinks you should have moved on and gotten over it by now, but you can't. That assumption and others' cold harsh remarks make you feel isolated in your grieving process, and make you hold back even more.

You try to confide in other foster parents, but find very few of them understand what you are going through. You look around at the foster events and see all the children with easier cases who were allowed to be adopted, and although you are happy for them and relieved they were protected and spared from going back to their abusers, it makes you hurt even more inside. It makes you wonder why. Why not my child? Why couldn't they have been saved from such a horrible life of abuse? You aren't jealous of the other foster parents who had good experiences, but it makes something inside of you just ache - it hurts.

I am not writing this to tell you I have the solution to your heartache, memories, and agonizing pain - I don't. I am writing this to let you know you are not alone. We are the ones who have seen the worst cases. We are the ones who have seen the system fail. We have seen the workers who withhold information from the judges. We have seen what happens when you stand up and speak the truth while everyone else clings to a lie. We have been called names and liars. We have been threatened to shut up, or else. We have received false charges when we refused to be silenced. We have watched as the system we were told to trust failed. You are not alone. We are not alone.

I want you to take comfort in knowing you are not alone. I want you to understand that it is ok to get help. I want you to know that it is ok to admit you can't deal with this system anymore. I want you to know it is ok to seek out peace and have alone time. I want you to know that we are here with you battling that same struggle.

I want you to know that the one peace I have found in all of the agony is the One Who has remained steady and unchanging throughout. The One Who never stops listening to me. The One Who never wears out from me repeating myself over and over and over again and again and again, crying out constantly for help, falling down in His arms curled up in a ball crying, "I can't do this!!!" The One Who never disowns me or leaves me when I shout out that He is to blame and I can't trust Him anymore. The One Who is there as I come crawling back right after saying such horrible things, and as soon as I say, "I'm so sorry," picks me up and wipes the tears from my ashamed face. The One Who has seen all I have seen, feels all I have felt, knows and sees all I cannot....

I have not been healed from this pain and agony. I still see those images constantly. But, I have found peace and joy within it. I have not seen a good outcome yet, but I know God hears my desperate cries for help and is answering them in ways I can't even imagine. I don't have children I can call my own, but I know God has a plan and is holding my children in His arms for me while I wait. I know He is protecting all of my precious foster children and giving them peace through it all, because I've asked Him to do it, and He loves them more than I ever could, or could ever even comprehend. I know He will make beauty from these ashes.

Hope can be agonizing, but without it what do we have?

"Father God, Who has adopted me into Your Family, thank you. Thank you for the peace that passes all understanding that only You can give. Thank you for Your joy inside my heart in the midst of this pain. Thank you for loving me even in my darkest and ugliest moments. Thank you for hearing me and answering my cries even in the ways I don't understand. Please be with my fellow foster parents who are struggling just as I am right now. They are desperate for your peace, comfort, and joy just as I am, God. They are feeling crushed and alone as they ache for their foster children who suffer so much. Please remind them with your gentle loving voice that they are not alone, and that You are beside them every single step of the way. I ask this in the Name of Your One and Only Son, Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior, Amen."

Mother's Day

I always enjoyed mother's day growing up, and even as an adult without children. It was always nice to spend a day recognizing my mom and grandmas, and showering them with love, thanks, cards, and gifts. I never minded not getting the little flower pots handed out at church for the moms, even when I wanted kids of my own. I never minded it, because I still enjoyed celebrating my mom and grandmas, and I looked forward to the day I could celebrate it myself.

My first mother's day as a foster mom was beautiful. We had our sweet little girl we were told we would adopt. Having this beautiful child in my life redefined mother's day for me. It was beautiful, and I was filled with gratitude for the privilege of having this sweet baby in my care. Soon after, we got our adorable son we were told we would adopt too. The weather was even extra hot that spring, so it was totally my kind of spring too. Everything just seemed right. That whole spring was the sweetest spring of my entire life.

When we lost our children to their severely abusive families, life was never really the same. Unlike death, you know they are still suffering somewhere, and you can't do a single thing about it. You constantly think about them and wonder if they are ok. You know they don't understand why you couldn't keep them with you, and wonder if they think it was their fault. You wonder if they even remember you, and if they do, if it brings joy or pain for them to think of you. You wonder what they are going through, are they warm at night, are they getting any form of healthy love. Sometimes you wonder if they are even still alive. You long to hold them close and tell them how much you love them, how special they are, and how much they are loved and deserve love, but you can't.

My perspective of mother's day changed. I became so filled with grief, pain, and agony, that any extra reminder of my loss as a mother was more than I could handle. I went from being a mother of many, to not a mother at all. People didn't recognize me as a mother anymore. I started hiding away on mother's day. I wouldn't go to church, or out to eat even, because everywhere I went was all about mother's day. I spent the first one hiding out in my yard working in my garden and flowerbeds, hoping the work would keep my mind off of the agony of the day. My mother's day present from my husband was all the stuff I needed to be out there doing that work (it was what I asked for).

The second mother's day was our last Sunday we were supposed to help out with music at our church before moving away, so I had to face my pain and go. When we got in the sanctuary to get ready to start the music, they played a mother's day video recognizing all of the moms. I couldn't even look at the screen, and started crying. I managed to force myself to pull it together, so I could still lead in the singing after the video was done playing. I told myself, “It's ok, it's over, recognition of the day is done, you'll be ok. You can do this. Don't fall apart now. It's done.” I repeated these things to myself in my mind as I headed up with the team to lead people in worship through songs. But then it happened, there was a break in the music, and yet another video was played. I couldn't believe that they would play another video with me up on the platform in front of everyone...Someone did not think that one through at all. I immediately started just looking at the floor and biting my lip in an effort to stop myself from crying. I tried to think of other things. I think I bit my lip so hard it was bleeding. I really struggled pulling through those last few songs without breaking down. But, I somehow held it together and got through it... Not without a few cracks in my voice, but I got through it. After making it through that horrible service, I faced another fear and went out to lunch with my parents, because I wanted to still recognize this special day for my mom and was already out. There, I was again reminded that I was no longer viewed as a mother by others, and all of the loss turned to anger and frustration. The waitress came and looked only at my mom and said, “Any mother's at this table get a free coupon book!” She handed it to my mom and started to walk away. I couldn't hold in the frustration anymore, and said, “I am a mother too.” Then the poor girl felt bad, and handed me a booklet while apologizing to me. I told her it was ok, but after that, I was more than ready to leave that place and get away from everyone. I cried a lot that day.

This mother's day, although we have had many foster children since that first experience, and have experienced new pain and loss since, I still struggle. And the truth is, I still mainly struggle over those first two we were told we would adopt, but instead had to watch them go back to suffering. I have another sweet little one with me this time, and love her in a way I never thought I was capable of again. It scares me. People wonder why I can't just freely enjoy the time given with her without worry or fear, but if they understood the loss and pain I've endured from letting myself love so deeply, then watching the system fail time and time again, I think they would be a little more understanding. I don't have adopted kids or biological kids still here when my foster children leave. We go from a full house of love to an empty house. There is no in between for us. I am here still wanting to skip church, still wanting to stay home, still wanting to just work on new flowerbeds and gardens to avoid the crowd. To avoid the constant reminders of the loss and pain. I love being with this sweet little one, but now mother's day also reminds me of my fear of losing this one to a horrible situation just like before.

Ladies, whether you are a mother of many children, a mother of grown children who won't be around this year, a mother who has lost their sweet precious little ones, a mother struggling to get pregnant, a mother who has suffered miscarriages, YOU are still a mother. You are not alone. We are here with you. We may be silently suffering along side you, but we are still here with you. God hears our lonely broken cries, and He is right here beside us. It's ok to ask Him to hold you through this. His peace is there. I would not have survived this far without Him. You are not alone. We are not alone.

Ministers, pastors, and priests, you need to recognize the pain going on within the church (the people are the church). You need to be paying attention to what is going on there. Do you have women struggling to get pregnant? Do you have women suffering from miscarriages? Do you have women in foster care or adoptive situations who have experienced heartache and loss? Do you have women who lost their children prematurely? You should be ministering to them on Mother's Day, not ignoring them. We love our God and Savior, our Comforter, our Strength, and we want to worship Him with you on this day just like any other day, so please let us! Let us join you, not hide from you! Help us worship God in this pain, which often times is the most beautiful form of worship...Help us do this.