Not Forsaken

Isn't it funny how our minds forget things until the right moment?

Our sweet child is gone. This is about our fight for justice in this foster care system. 

At the beginning of our downward spiral of events, I thought that was the worst of it, and God would bring us back up from there. I remember reading Psalms and thinking how the authors would always one moment be praising God for the amazing and wonderful things He had done, and the next cry out, "My God, why have you forsaken me?!" Then back to the praising God again, just to go right back to crying out that He had forsaken them yet again. I laughed at their lack of understanding of Who God Is and that He clearly never had forgotten or forsaken them. Don't get me wrong, I love the book of Psalms, and I have read it over and over again - especially in my times of praise or need.

 At the beginning of these events, it was more than anything I had ever been through, could ever imagine going through, and way more than I was ever capable of handling. But, at the same time, I found strength, peace, and hope in the midst of it all. And, my faith hadn't been shaken. I firmly believed that God was going to deliver her - that He would deliver us. I had no doubt in my mind that He was going to bless the most difficult decision we ever made in our lives out of trust and faith, and bring her back to us before it got worse. I never thought it would come to this, because I've seen God at work - I've experienced His power, justice, mercy, and grace first hand! I had no doubt she would never go back to such a horrible situation. I had complete faith this nightmare would end before it became a terror. My faith was unshaken by the events, and grew stronger in it. God was going to deliver our family! So, you can see why I had these thoughts about the book of Psalms, and the authors' wishy washy faith.

Well, something I've learned in my walk, following Christ, is that God is always teaching me something. Sometimes the lessons are a lot harder than others to learn....well... a lot of times in my life they have been harder ones. Pain builds character though, right? And, if you get through the pain clinging to the Throne of Grace, you gain wisdom, right? So it's all worth it... just doesn't make it easier. (Note: I keep telling myself these things during this seemingly never-ending nightmare)

Things didn't stop there. Things didn't go the way I thought and believed they would. After months and months of constant faith and non-stop pain and agony, my faith grew weary. I became worn down, weak, and tired of seeing nothing happen when I firmly believed without any doubt that it would happen. I became broken...worse yet, shattered into billions and billions of pieces. My heart had been broken, those pieces taken and shattered, then those pieces taken and shattered again, and the cycle hasn't stopped yet. I am 100% broken. I am broken to a point that doesn't feel repairable. I feel so damaged. I am afraid to accept any other children into our home, because I don't think I'm capable of ever loving or bonding with a child like I did with her....ever again. I am broken to the extreme of brokenness.

After a full year of one disaster after the next, I am to the same point the authors were in Psalms. I have caught myself over and over these past few months crying out, "GOD, why have you for..." Then I stop and remember what I said about the authors of Psalms and got so frustrated about with them. Then immediately my cry stops dead in it's tracks and becomes, "God, why have You for... Please forgive me God! Oh God have mercy! Please forgive my lack of understanding, my frustrations, my doubt, my weakness. You have never forsaken me. I am not forgotten. You are in control. Even though I can't see it right now, You do! Forgive me. Have mercy!"

I cry out for God's justice. I cry out for His mercy. I cry out for His wisdom, guidance, strength, and hope. I cry out day and night!

To anyone out there who does not know Jesus Christ, God's one and only Son, and has not accepted Him into your life. To anyone who has never invited the Holy Spirit to come in and take over your life... I don't know how you survive. I don't know how you live. In this agony and what seems to be a never-ending nightmare, my only hope and peace are in Jesus' Name.

We are not forgotten. She is not forgotten. God will rescue her. He will deliver our family. I know this, because I know my Creator. He gave us promise after promise in His Word and to our hearts that if we ask it in HIS NAME, IT WILL BE DONE, that the Father will be glorified through His Son. HE WILL DO IT. God has won this battle already.

He said to wait, and so a year later, we are still waiting. Is this self-righteous? No. This is honestly and shamefully admitting my brokenness, weakness, and weariness. But, at the same time, admitting and remembering God is in control. He not only is fulfilling His promises, but picking up each minuscule piece of my heart and reshaping it into something new and beautiful. Even though I remember how happy and beautiful I felt in Christ with my daughter in my arms, I don't want to go back; I want to move on. I want to go beyond where I was and become something new. God is making me brand new, and when all the pieces are in place, He will not only heal this broken heart and fulfill His promises, but will turn this disgusting situation into something so beautiful that all will see His radiant glory blazing through our lives.

Call me a fool for believing, after all of this mess, that God is going to answer our cries for justice and mercy...totally fine with me! I still believe.

"If you ask anything in My Name, I will do it, that the Father will be glorified through His Son. Again, if you ask anything in My Name, I will do it."

"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart."

"And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? I tell you, he will see that they get justice, and quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?"

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."

"Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."

"...To give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness"

  The Unlovable

      You know, being a foster parent is extremely difficult in many ways... in fact, more ways than I could ever share on a blog.

       One of the struggles as a foster parent is dealing with the biological parents who have hurt or continue to hurt your kids. Many people think that we should hate the biological parents, especially when we receive a child who has been beaten black and blue or almost killed by them. I am often asked how I can stand even looking at them, after knowing what they did to my children. You know, at first, I struggled with that. I would try to put myself in their shoes, but it was very difficult. And yes, I often times had to deal with anger toward the families for what they did to these children I had come to love. God always dealt with me on that, and would give me the love and grace to forgive them, but it was always hard to go beyond that and truly love them. I prayed for them, but it was a very quick and probably not very earnest prayer.

     Through our experiences and losses in foster care, God has given me more love and compassion for these biological parents. I now understand what will give them comfort while their children are staying with us, and do everything I can to give them that comfort. I feel sorry for those who were raised in this horrible system themselves, as a result had horrible lives, and now their kids do too. Not all, but a lot of the children in our system are "repeats." Their parents were raised in foster care, and now they are in it too.

     It's really hard when you know for a fact that some of the parents are guilty, but they don't want to admit it, because they cannot love or forgive themselves for the shameful things they've done. They can't bear the thought of someone else knowing what they've really done. And, you just want to tell them, you know what they've done, you love them anyway, don't hold it against them, and are not judging them - you're not their enemy and they aren't yours. It's so hard when they are screaming out through their eyes and actions that they are unlovable even to themselves, and you are aching to minister to them, just love them, and cry with them, but you can't.

(Note: I'm not forgetting they often convince themselves they won't make the same mistake again, just as we all do ourselves with our mistakes, and therefore plead not guilty to get their kids back, only to repeat the same mistakes again. Or that some just don't view what they did as wrong, which is sad in and of itself.)

       We have all made mistakes; we have all committed unforgivable sins in our own eyes. But, our Maker gives us His Love and Grace freely, forgives us, and, better yet, cleanses us as though we never messed up at all - all we have to do is ask. And through His loving grace given to us, we have the ability to forgive and love others and show them the same grace God has given to us. But what about those times we are not allowed to tell them that?

     I really struggle with this right now. I hold such a burden in my heart for these people who just can't admit their guilt, and therefore, I'm not allowed to share this love and grace with them. It is so hard, because they themselves are victims, and I long and ache to just love them, cry with them, and show them forgiveness from someone who, in their eyes and others' eyes, should hate them. I want to show them the Loving Grace that Jesus Christ has shown to me. I want them to be freed from this just as much as I want their children to be freed from this cold harsh system that tears them apart. I want them to be free.

     These experiences have reminded me of God's love for us. In so many ways, this is how it works in our relationship with Christ. His love is there. He loves us. He died for us. He concurred death for us. He gave everything for us when He didn't need us, we needed Him. His love is there, His forgiveness is right there all along. We just have to be willing to admit that we need that forgiveness - that we need that love. We need to be able and willing to confess that we need it first in order to receive it. How agonizing it must be for Him to have more love than we could ever imagine along with the power to forgive us, heal us, and set us free, all the while, we reject that love and forgiveness, because we are too ashamed, too prideful, too caught up in covering up, and too afraid to let go, to just admit we need it. How He must ache for us!

    So yes, it is very hard for me to talk with the biological parents, but not for the reasons you may think. Yes, meeting them for the first time is a terrifying thing, having to see them over and over can be terrifying too, and seeing the condition these kids are in is traumatizing and something you never forget or learn to be ok with, but I am not angry with them for it. I AM angry with the one who makes this world as sick as it is. If anything, being a foster parent has made me hate the devil more and more every day. I praise God the enemy is defeated, and I long for the day when Jesus returns and God says, "NO MORE!"