Keeping the Spark Alive While Parenting
I've heard so many mothers struggle with this, and I myself have struggled with it. The only difference is, I've had 7 children and breaks in between with no children to help learn how to balance this struggle.
Being a mom and a lover at the same time.
Can all of the moms say an overwhelmed, "uggggg...... yes...." for me please? We've all been there!
Now, I'm not going to claim I've perfected this, or don't screw things up sometimes. Trust me, I mess this up and lose my focus. None of us are perfect, as much as we try to pretend we are. But, here are some extremely valuable lessons I've learned along the way about balancing being a good momma, while also being a good spouse and lover.
1. It is ok to walk away to take a deep breath.
When your children are screaming and things are just out of hand, and nothing you do seems to fix anything, it is ok to step away for a minute and just calm down and refocus. Your kids need you to be calm and collected to help them through whatever crisis they are experiencing at the moment. And, you need to take a break for your own health and sanity. Breathe deeply, say a prayer, and refocus yourself. Being a mother is a wonderful blessing from God. You may not have your children forever, and eventually they will be all grown up and you will wonder where the time went. Remember these things as you refocus. Then, when you have collected your thoughts, go back out and calmly help them. They calm down better when you are calm. (Note: Always make sure they are in a child-safe/child-proofed room before you step away for a breather, and never leave your children alone in the house.)
2. When your spouse comes home, give him a hug and kiss, tell him you love him, and ask a quick, "How was your day?"
Trust me, I know this can be difficult when you've been running around like crazy all day long, are trying to get some food on the table, trying to get your kids to the potty and ready to eat, etc. But, this is very important for your spouse and for you. You need to let him know that you still care about him, even though your mind is running here, there, and everywhere.
3. Give your spouse some time to transition from work mode to daddy mode.
Before or after supper, this can be as little as 15-20 minutes to just let him clear his mind and be able to focus on the kids.
4. Give yourself a break.
After your spouse has had time to ready himself to help take care of the kids, go take a break. I suggest leaving the house, so you can't hear the kids at all. You can just go sit outside or go for a little walk. If it is too cold outside, shut yourself in your bedroom and lock the door to read, pray, take a quick nap, or just think. Clear your mind. You don't need to feel bad about this, because it gives your spouse some quality one-on-one time with your kids. It also lets your spouse know you trust him.
1. It is ok to walk away to take a deep breath.
When your children are screaming and things are just out of hand, and nothing you do seems to fix anything, it is ok to step away for a minute and just calm down and refocus. Your kids need you to be calm and collected to help them through whatever crisis they are experiencing at the moment. And, you need to take a break for your own health and sanity. Breathe deeply, say a prayer, and refocus yourself. Being a mother is a wonderful blessing from God. You may not have your children forever, and eventually they will be all grown up and you will wonder where the time went. Remember these things as you refocus. Then, when you have collected your thoughts, go back out and calmly help them. They calm down better when you are calm. (Note: Always make sure they are in a child-safe/child-proofed room before you step away for a breather, and never leave your children alone in the house.)
2. When your spouse comes home, give him a hug and kiss, tell him you love him, and ask a quick, "How was your day?"
Trust me, I know this can be difficult when you've been running around like crazy all day long, are trying to get some food on the table, trying to get your kids to the potty and ready to eat, etc. But, this is very important for your spouse and for you. You need to let him know that you still care about him, even though your mind is running here, there, and everywhere.
3. Give your spouse some time to transition from work mode to daddy mode.
Before or after supper, this can be as little as 15-20 minutes to just let him clear his mind and be able to focus on the kids.
4. Give yourself a break.
After your spouse has had time to ready himself to help take care of the kids, go take a break. I suggest leaving the house, so you can't hear the kids at all. You can just go sit outside or go for a little walk. If it is too cold outside, shut yourself in your bedroom and lock the door to read, pray, take a quick nap, or just think. Clear your mind. You don't need to feel bad about this, because it gives your spouse some quality one-on-one time with your kids. It also lets your spouse know you trust him.
5. Do something together as a family.
After you both have had a little break to clear your thoughts, spend some quality family time together. If it is nice outside, take the kids for a walk, take them to the park, or take them outside to play. If it isn't nice outside, play games, read, or have a special movie and popcorn night with them. Be involved. Play with them, snuggle with them, teach them new things, etc. Just be with them and be involved as parents together.
6. Bedtime. On time. Always.
As much as possible, send your kids to bed by 8pm. This is good for their health, and good for your relationship with your spouse. You and your spouse should get the kids ready for bed together. Be together as you tuck them in, read them their bedtime story, and say prayers with them. It is very important to do this together as a family. It is good for the kids and good for you and your spouse.
7. Quality time with your lover while your children are asleep.
As soon as you put the kids to bed, make some popcorn or a healthy snack, and just relax with your spouse. Use this time to either just talk, watch a movie or your favorite shows together, or play a game. Just relax and be a couple. This will help you move from being parents to being lovers again.
8. Exercise together.
Even if you don't do the same exercise routine, just do it in the same room or at the same time, so it is together. Together is key. It is good for your stress levels and your overall health to do even just a 30 minute workout each day. And, doing your workouts at the same time, not only means more time together, but also accountability to actually do it.
9. Go to bed together.
Bedtime for couples is very important, and I'm not just talking about sex either. Often times the best and most important conversations happen when you are comfortably side by side in bed. Go to bed at a decent hour, so you have time to talk with each other, do devotions together, and pray together. Read a quick devotional or chapter of the Bible together. Pray together. I cannot begin to tell you how important it is to pray together with your spouse. During this prayer time, I encourage you to mainly focus on praying for your children, each other, and your family. If you are early birds, you can always do the devotional and prayer time together in the mornings. The important thing is that you are doing this together every single day.
10. Go on dates.
It is very important to keep that spark alive by planning dates with your lover. You know what will work best for you, but I highly recommend going on dates at least once a month, but you should aim for more. Spice things up, and be creative for these dates. Have fun. After all, you don't get much alone time with him anymore, so use that alone time wisely. Can't get a night away? Baby sitter cancel on you? No problem! After putting the kids to bed, do something out of the norm. You can make a special dessert, set out glasses of wine, put a fire in the fireplace (or on the tv screen), look up some speed dating or interview questions, and have yourselves a fun little date for the night. There is no reason not to have a date night, even when you are stuck at home or completely broke. Be creative and change things up for that special date night.
11. Allow friend time.
It is good for you to get together with a friend or two for coffee or something fun and relaxing. You can do this in place of your break sometimes. And your spouse will need some guy time too, and that's ok. It is also good to spend time with friends together with your spouse. Have friends with kids over for a cookout, so the kids can play while you couples hang out. Never forget to have fun and to include your friends in your life. Friends are important.
This may seem like a lot, but when you actually put it into practice, it really isn't. It doesn't take much time out of your day to make time for your spouse and for you. And, you will find your family will be happier because of it.
9. Go to bed together.
Bedtime for couples is very important, and I'm not just talking about sex either. Often times the best and most important conversations happen when you are comfortably side by side in bed. Go to bed at a decent hour, so you have time to talk with each other, do devotions together, and pray together. Read a quick devotional or chapter of the Bible together. Pray together. I cannot begin to tell you how important it is to pray together with your spouse. During this prayer time, I encourage you to mainly focus on praying for your children, each other, and your family. If you are early birds, you can always do the devotional and prayer time together in the mornings. The important thing is that you are doing this together every single day.
10. Go on dates.
It is very important to keep that spark alive by planning dates with your lover. You know what will work best for you, but I highly recommend going on dates at least once a month, but you should aim for more. Spice things up, and be creative for these dates. Have fun. After all, you don't get much alone time with him anymore, so use that alone time wisely. Can't get a night away? Baby sitter cancel on you? No problem! After putting the kids to bed, do something out of the norm. You can make a special dessert, set out glasses of wine, put a fire in the fireplace (or on the tv screen), look up some speed dating or interview questions, and have yourselves a fun little date for the night. There is no reason not to have a date night, even when you are stuck at home or completely broke. Be creative and change things up for that special date night.
11. Allow friend time.
It is good for you to get together with a friend or two for coffee or something fun and relaxing. You can do this in place of your break sometimes. And your spouse will need some guy time too, and that's ok. It is also good to spend time with friends together with your spouse. Have friends with kids over for a cookout, so the kids can play while you couples hang out. Never forget to have fun and to include your friends in your life. Friends are important.
This may seem like a lot, but when you actually put it into practice, it really isn't. It doesn't take much time out of your day to make time for your spouse and for you. And, you will find your family will be happier because of it.
