Letting Go the Best Way We Know How
When
a foster child doesn't work out in your home for whatever reason, it
can be extremely difficult in many ways. First, you go through stages of
frustration, hurt, denial, grief, and then actually preparing yourself
for them to leave. Second, deciding how to handle them being moved.
Third, helping each child deal with yet another loss.
Our boy is gone. We knew for a long time this was coming. We tried everything to avoid it, seeking all the psychological and emotional help we could for him, but nothing worked. His conditions were permanent and would only get worse with time, and safety was becoming an issue.
As foster parents you get into this mode of feeling like you have to save them all, or as many as you possibly can. But, the cold harsh truth is that you can't. Not only do some go back to previous situations, but some "just aren't a good fit" and need to be moved. In the mix of emotions you go through during the process of recognizing, admitting, and going through with moving them, you can even feel resentment toward the child for not letting you help them, not being grateful for giving all you had and more to "rescue" them, for seeming to throw all of your efforts out the window.... But, trauma training and your training in the different disorders and mental conditions remind you these feelings, although natural, are wrong.
By the time our boy left, there was a huge sense of relief. We had already been through all of the emotions and stages, but had to wait much longer before they moved him (and yes, at our request). The thing we struggled with the most was feeling guilt. Guilt for feeling so relieved. While we had several months to prepare ourselves, he only had a week (for safety reasons we could not tell him sooner). While we were experiencing relief, he was just starting to experience the stages of grief and loss. He didn't want to go. He was happy here and wanted to stay. But, we knew that, although our decision was mainly based on what was best for our family and other kids, it was also best for him.
How do you handle it when you have come to terms with this, and want the child to be moved? Here are some tips from our experiences and things therapists and caseworkers have helped us with. These tips will even help in situations where the child is moved for other reasons (reunification, moving to biological families, etc.)
1. Never say it's the child's fault. Maybe it is in your opinion. Maybe they did so many horrible things to you that you wanted them to know they could have had a great life with you, but they screwed it up. Think I'm crazy for saying that? Truth is, I've heard plenty of stories where foster families did just that. When a child has already endured so much loss and heartache, no matter how "nasty" they were to you and your family, you need to remember that this is a HUGE loss for them. The words you choose in this transition will stay close to them for the rest of their lives. Instead, be positive. Use wording that doesn't put the blame on you, and especially not them. Blame free. Just loving. If you have to practice what to say in advance, then do it. They need to know that you loved them, cared for them, and they were wanted.
2. Send information to help the next placement. We always make up a list of things to know/daily routines for our kids when they move. We do this for the ones going to biological family members when we lose them, and for the ones we have chosen to move. It helps the next family and the child through the transition. Transitions are hard enough, but we of all people should know they are that much harder when there is absolutely no information, or you are given just what the caseworker knows. Yikes. Let's not put another family through that if we can help it.
Our boy is gone. We knew for a long time this was coming. We tried everything to avoid it, seeking all the psychological and emotional help we could for him, but nothing worked. His conditions were permanent and would only get worse with time, and safety was becoming an issue.
As foster parents you get into this mode of feeling like you have to save them all, or as many as you possibly can. But, the cold harsh truth is that you can't. Not only do some go back to previous situations, but some "just aren't a good fit" and need to be moved. In the mix of emotions you go through during the process of recognizing, admitting, and going through with moving them, you can even feel resentment toward the child for not letting you help them, not being grateful for giving all you had and more to "rescue" them, for seeming to throw all of your efforts out the window.... But, trauma training and your training in the different disorders and mental conditions remind you these feelings, although natural, are wrong.
By the time our boy left, there was a huge sense of relief. We had already been through all of the emotions and stages, but had to wait much longer before they moved him (and yes, at our request). The thing we struggled with the most was feeling guilt. Guilt for feeling so relieved. While we had several months to prepare ourselves, he only had a week (for safety reasons we could not tell him sooner). While we were experiencing relief, he was just starting to experience the stages of grief and loss. He didn't want to go. He was happy here and wanted to stay. But, we knew that, although our decision was mainly based on what was best for our family and other kids, it was also best for him.
How do you handle it when you have come to terms with this, and want the child to be moved? Here are some tips from our experiences and things therapists and caseworkers have helped us with. These tips will even help in situations where the child is moved for other reasons (reunification, moving to biological families, etc.)
1. Never say it's the child's fault. Maybe it is in your opinion. Maybe they did so many horrible things to you that you wanted them to know they could have had a great life with you, but they screwed it up. Think I'm crazy for saying that? Truth is, I've heard plenty of stories where foster families did just that. When a child has already endured so much loss and heartache, no matter how "nasty" they were to you and your family, you need to remember that this is a HUGE loss for them. The words you choose in this transition will stay close to them for the rest of their lives. Instead, be positive. Use wording that doesn't put the blame on you, and especially not them. Blame free. Just loving. If you have to practice what to say in advance, then do it. They need to know that you loved them, cared for them, and they were wanted.
2. Send information to help the next placement. We always make up a list of things to know/daily routines for our kids when they move. We do this for the ones going to biological family members when we lose them, and for the ones we have chosen to move. It helps the next family and the child through the transition. Transitions are hard enough, but we of all people should know they are that much harder when there is absolutely no information, or you are given just what the caseworker knows. Yikes. Let's not put another family through that if we can help it.
3.
Don't send kids with garbage bags. We've all seen it far too many
times, and maybe some reading this have done it without thought. Please
stop. What does it tell these kids when we send them away with their
belongings in garbage bags? These kids are worth far more than that kind
of treatment. They are precious human beings, who should feel loved,
cherished, and valuable. We always send our kids to local moves with big
plastic storage tubs decorated just for them (even when going back to
their birth parents). We put their names on the bins, use stickers,
pictures, etc. to make them special for them. For those getting on
planes, we buy nice new luggage and ribbons in their favorite colors and
make them look nice and unique (Note: most agencies will reimburse some
of the expense of buying new luggage for your foster kids when they are
flying somewhere). Our kids leave with a sense of pride that their
belongings are stored in something unique and made with love for them.
4.
Make a memory book. When a child has been with you for a while, it
helps fill in the gaps for them later in life if you send them with a
memory book. You can use the Life Books foster agencies provide, but our
kids leave with homemade scrapbooks (often, birth parents are even
thankful for these). If the child is old enough and into art and crafts,
let them help you make the scrapbook as a final project together. Even
if the child has only been with you a short while, provide some pictures
of their time with you when they go (if possible).
5.
Make those last few days special. Do the things you know your kid
enjoys, go all out, and make them feel extra special. Again, I am aware
that you may have some fears and bad vibes going on between you and your
child, but it is so important to make them feel extra special and
supported during those last few days. It can be little things and big
things. For our kids we often take them to Chuck-E-Cheese's, Zap Zone,
to their favorite restaurants, parks, play places, etc. If their thing
is more family time, we have family game nights and movie nights before
they go. Anything to reinforce that feeling of being loved and wanted.
This means the world to them.
When our boy came to us, his caseworker told us the previous foster home didn't prepare him for a move, or even tell him. They just met him in a parking lot with garbage bags filled with some of his belongings and the caseworker to move him. The only thing I ever promised was that we would never do that to him. That if he needed to be moved from us, we would let him know in advance and help him through it. He remembered that promise over a year later, and thanked us for keeping it. He was proud of the huge bins decorated just for him and filled with all of his belongings. We bought him books to help with transitions. We filled his last weeknights with fun activities he enjoyed. We gently spoke to him about the move in love and were mindful of his emotions and feelings. We validated his feelings, and just continued to remind him that we loved him. Did he act out during that week? Of course. But we never responded in anything but love and understanding for what he was going through. He walked away feeling loved, wanted, and special.
