A Glimpse Into the Lives of Foster/Adoptive Parents
(To Aid Friends and Family in Understanding)

Life as a foster parent is messy. It is complicated. It is overwhelming, and often draining. It is also beautiful. I'm going to be as honest as possible, while writing this in a way that non-foster parents will understand. I think as foster parents, we tend to shut down, give people what they want to hear, only speak about the positives, and accept that most just will never understand us, or our kids. So, let me be honest for a moment and show you a glimpse of what we deal with when we have high needs children in our homes.

Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) - RAD is caused in those early years when a child is supposed to be developing healthy bonds and attachments. Those healthy loving connections help the child's brain and body to develop properly. But, when a child is neglected and abused, moved around from place to place, etc. that loving attachment is never properly formed. This disorder is formed in those early developmental years of trauma, and affects them for the rest of their lives. It makes them unable to form solid, healthy, loving relationships and attachments when they are brought out of those situations and into good loving homes. It is a very painful and frustrating disorder to work with at times, and a lot of foster children have it. Here are some examples that can happen due to this disorder (but note, every child is different and have different levels of this disorder. It can be much worse, or not as bad):


1. Jill has been moved from foster home to foster home because she never could form attachments, and always acted out severely at random. Her previous foster homes complained about her disobedience when told to hurry up, get ready to go, put her dishes away, etc. She would refuse to cooperate, and then act out severely after being redirected. Her new foster family knows about RAD and what it can look like. They learned about some of her past, and realize her brain is just "misfiring" at points. She spaces out when told to do something, which often is confused with disobedience. When she struggles and spaces out like that, they know to gently bring her back and remind her of what she was doing, rather than acting like she was being disobedient and punishing her (which would trigger the severe behaviors). Although they understand her behaviors, it doesn't make it easy. Her inability to bond with them makes the other things she struggles with that much harder to help heal.

2. Sandy is in her second foster home. She was removed from the other home because she always felt threatened and in need to compete with other children for attention. That feeling of competition drives her to become violent with other children at times. Her new foster home creates healthy boundaries, rules, schedules, routines, therapies, and every help they can possibly get for her, but, although there is some improvement, she continues to act out. The foster parents are desperate for more help and support, but it just isn't there. They struggle daily to help Sandy make it through the day without having a meltdown.

3. Freddie is a sweet little boy who has been in and out of foster care several times in his short life. He attaches and latches onto every stranger, teacher, friend of the family, and even extended family members, but he pushes away from his adoptive parents and siblings. He never attaches to them or bonds with them, yet is so clingy, needy, and attached to complete strangers. This hurts his adoptive family. They weren't told about this disorder, and struggle to understand why he can attach and latch onto everyone except them. At points he even tries to make others think his adoptive family is bad, just so he can get that extra attention and affection from the people who do not really know him.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) - It is common for children who have been removed from severely abusive homes to have PTSD. Some is caused from sexual abuse, some from physical abuse, some from severe neglect at crucial moments, etc. The complicated thing about PTSD in children and even toddlers is that there are different things that trigger their memories, and can cause them to have different reactions. A lot of times these are misunderstood as just bad behavior, depression, attention problems, etc. And often it is really hard to figure out what all triggers them. PTSD is treatable with a good therapy program and lots of time, patience, love, and support. Here are a few examples of situations foster parents face with children struggling with PTSD (and again, every child is different and has different levels of this disorder):

1. Billy was beaten every time he wouldn't take a nap, if he wet his pants, or when he spilled something or made a mess, etc. Billy's foster parents don't know everything that happened to him, they just know that he was removed for abuse. They can't figure out why every time he drops something, he immediately freezes, stares off into nothing, won't respond, won't move, and won't do anything at all. He completely shuts down. The foster parents struggle to understand why this keeps happening. When they ask him to go potty, he just stands there and pees all over the floor and himself, motionless. It takes several minutes to finally get him to acknowledge them. When he "snaps out of it," and is asked why he did it, he just starts crying uncontrollably for long lengths of time. Every time they try to give him a nap or tuck him in at night, he just starts shaking, can't move, and is unable to communicate. Although they get the help he needs, they struggle because this is a multiple-times-a-day situation.

2. Samantha was severely neglected and forced to starve for days on end. When she needed her mom the most, she was never there. If she fell down and got hurt, she would be left to cry and bleed on her own. She knew not to go to her mom for help, because she would just be beaten for bothering her. Every time Samantha gets hurt or feels hungry at all, she is reminded of what happened to her, and she is triggered. She starts crying and screaming uncontrollably for hours and hours, and because it is something like getting a scratch, a little bump, or even just feeling a little hungry before meal or snack time, the foster parents struggle to understand what her triggers are and why she is acting out like this. The screaming is deafening, and the foster parents are unable to ease her mind during these episodes, so they just endure the screaming and crying for hours upon hours a day, often multiple times a week, while seeking the treatment she needs.

3. Bob was beaten every time he asked a question, every time he asked for help, and every time he did anything bad. His new foster home is working hard to reassure him he is safe now and they will never hurt him, but when something reminds him of what he went through before, all the reassuring in the world seems useless. He becomes violent, breaks everything in his path, starts yelling, cussing, screaming, and is no longer the loving sweet boy he was just minutes ago. His episodes can last for hours. It is like he becomes someone else every time he is triggered. No one understands what the foster parents are going through at home with him, because he is such a sweet boy most of the time. So, the foster parents have no support and no one to listen and understand their struggles. They feel alone, while trying everything to help this sweet boy heal.

Genetic Mental Illnesses - Often children are in foster care because their biological parents have mental illnesses that cause them to be abusive, neglectful, drug addicts, alcoholics, and often criminals. When a foster child comes into the system, they are not evaluated for any form of illnesses or disorders. They are just given a physical exam by a pediatrician if removed during the day, or, if removed at night, get a physical exam done one to two days later when the foster parents can get them into a doctor. There really is no way for a foster parent to know what they are dealing with until things start happening. And even then, the process of figuring out, is it PTSD, RAD, attention seeking, testing phases, different levels of trauma, or a mental illness of some kind takes time. It is a long process that can often take years to figure out. Here are a few examples of mental illnesses and what foster parents face (again, every child is different, there are multiple kinds of mental illnesses, and there is no way to make someone fully understand what they all look like to any degree):

1. Laura seems to have a lot of the typical issues foster children face. She has RAD, a mild form of PTSD, and is high needs in a few areas of development. She often seems like a normal healthy girl, but what people don't know is that she randomly becomes angry, self harming, and like a whole different person at home. There are some days she is extremely happy, other days she cuts herself and won't get out of bed all day long, and other days where she just seems angry at everyone and everything, making everyone around her as miserable as possible. Her adoptive parents have given her all of the therapies offered, but now have to get a psychiatrist involved. They are exhausted, worried, stressed, and fearful of what will happen to her and to their other kids in this long process of diagnosis and treatment.

2. Joe seems to struggle with making good choices. At first his adoptive parents thought it was RAD causing these behaviors, but something about it seemed extra troubling. He laughed when his friend's dad died, and seems happy at others' pain. If others are happy, he tries to sabotage it. He has no regard for others' feelings, and constantly seeks power and control over everyone. He always seems to think he deserves better than anything people can give him, and feels sorry for himself at all times. He steals, lies, manipulates, beats animals and other children at random, and tries to hurt his adoptive family without hesitating. His adoptive parents try everything and nothing changes. The adoptive parents seek out new help in psychiatry. The parents feel alone and isolated in these struggles that no one seems to understand.

3. Jenny's past made her foster parents believe her behaviors were PTSD related. They thought she was being triggered by things that brought up memories, and they got her all the counseling they could to help her through it. She continues to get worse. Her triggers are becoming more random than before. She is out of control most of the time. She gets violent and screams, sometimes all throughout the night and into the next day. They begin to realize it is more than PTSD. The foster parents are drained, worn out, exhausted, and realize it is time to seek psychiatric help.

Food - Food in and of itself can often be a major problem for foster/adoptive children. Some were starved, some were taught by drug-addict parents to purge themselves, some view food as security. Here are a few examples of food issues kids can face:

1. Kevin was starved and neglected before found and brought into his current foster home. Although Sam sees that the foster family has lots of food always available to him, he struggles to understand that he will never go hungry again. He overeats during meals and asks for snacks constantly. At school and the babysitter's house, he lies to everyone saying they starve him at home, or that he didn't get to eat a meal that day, or is really hungry to get more food. At home there are safe food rules in place to help him through his trauma and food issues, but others don't understand and just want to help make him feel better. Some shake their heads at the foster parents, thinking they underfeed or don't feed him at all. These people make Kevin's problems worse.

2. Betty understood what it meant to go hungry and without for days and days while her parents were gone. She knew that when they brought food home, she'd have to sneak it into her room and save some for the days she would go without. In her new home, she is in therapy and learning that she never has to worry about going hungry again. She struggles to understand it. She stashes the food in her closet, dresser, under her bed, in her locker at school, etc. She does this to make sure that she is going to be ok if her foster parents let her down.

3. Daniel loves food. He knows what it is like to have plenty, and he knows what it is like to go hungry. Sometimes he sees it as comfort, and other times he just wants to enjoy as much as he can in the moment, without regard to what might happen if he doesn't stop eating. His adoptive family works with him on this issue, but he still randomly eats so much that he randomly vomits all over everything. His adoptive family is trying to teach him about healthy portions, and that he can enjoy more later if he waits. Others think the adoptive parents are cruel to limit his food intake, so they sneak more food to him, not understanding the situation. This interferes with his treatment plan.

These are some examples of issues foster/adoptive parents face on a regular basis. Again, these stories are made up and not real, but based on real situations families face to aid understanding. Please remember that foster/adoptive parents are dealing with far more than they ever let on, far more than you ever see or hear, and far more than most could imagine going through. Foster parents also have added stresses of appointments, regular inspections, visits, and all the other requirements on top of caring for their precious children. They need your understanding, support, friendship, prayers,  love, and encouragement.

Foster parents also need to know that you will still be there for them if they realize they can't do it anymore and have to let a child go. There is so much guilt, loss, fear, sadness, and a sense of failure that goes into a foster parent having to make that tough decision to let go of a child for their family's health and safety. Please do not leave them alone in that struggle.

Foster parents need your love and support while children are in their homes, and when the children are gone. They truly love their foster children, so please respect that. Support them, lift them up. Remember, they are doing something for this world that most others would never do. They are putting aside all of their own wants and needs, and giving everything they've got and more to the children who come into their homes and lives. They take in complete strangers and make them family. They give these kids a second, third, fourth chance. They love them. They cherish them. They would do anything for them. They deserve your respect and support.