Beauty from Ashes

I can't stop thanking God for bringing us from the ashes and turning everything into His beauty. He has blessed us beyond our wildest dreams, even in all of the pain, loss, and heartache. Healing, grace, faithfulness, love beyond comprehension, and restoration of hope. God is amazing. He is beautiful, and He works all things for good when we love Him with our lives.

Years ago we started our foster journey completely blind to what we were getting into. We thought we were going to rescue these kids, adopt them, and raise them in Christ's love, living happily ever after with a few bumps here and there, but nothing we couldn't handle. Right. 6 years, 15 kids, and more tears than I could ever count later, we have arrived. We have our forever family!

I never thought I could recover. I never thought I could heal. I had been torn into billions of pieces when promised adoption and a year later watching that adoption fail, while seeing our precious children go back to the hands that beat and neglected them so severely. It was the worst form of torture. There were days I laid down on the floor, no strength in me left to stand, just balling and thinking I could die there in the loss and agony of knowing my children were living a nightmare and I couldn't help them, or just be there to comfort them. I will never forget collapsing on the ground in complete agony the day our daughter left. I cannot describe that kind of heartache to anyone who hasn't lived through it, and am frustrated by those who try to compare it to losing a loved one. It is very different. Through a miscarriage, we lost three children in the time everyone thought we had lost two, and honestly, we could only handle people knowing about two. Nothing else could matter at that point, because we knew the pain and agony those two were facing without us there to hold them and protect them. They became ours, then were torn away to be abused by strangers.

There were times I wanted to quit foster care and never look back. We would have lost so much more without even knowing it if we had.

When I would start to lose trust in God, He would rescue me from myself. When my faith would falter, He remained faithful and would gently bring me back. When my strength fell flat and I became nothing, He became my strength and my everything. When I cried until I had no tears left, He cried for me. When I screamed and shouted at Him in my prayers of agony, He was merciful and gave me grace. When I repeated the same prayers over and over again and again, He listened and was patient. When I gave up hope, He rescued me and renewed my hope.

When God brought our sweet little one to us, it was at a very dark point in time for me. I had lost hope, I wanted to be done with foster care, I was scared to love again and lose, and I was scared of what seeing another precious child go back to an abuser would do to me spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. But despite our attempts not to get attached this time, we fell completely in love with her. It was a very emotional fight to protect her, with many spiritual lows for me, but God had mercy on her and us. I would say, "When God rescued her, He rescued us too." After going through so much, it was hard to fully understand adoption was happening until it was done. Even then, it didn't fully set in that she was OUR DAUGHTER and we were a FOREVER family until the day we dedicated her to Christ and had her adoption party. What an amazing experience we had longed for and waited for for so long.

Our precious tiny one came to us at just the right time. We had just finished adopting our daughter, and had told our agency the previous week that we weren't accepting more children. Then, less than a week later, we got the call. A beautiful baby girl for adoption. Our agency thought of us immediately and called. God is amazing in how He works. Here we are the parents of two beautiful daughters. A forever family. You know, they always talk about kids finding their forever families, but the truth is, we got a forever family too. This is a beautiful blessing. God has been so gracious to us.

Our daughters are so beautiful and precious. They are the sweetest girls. I feel like the luckiest mom in the world. Watching their personalities develop is amazing and beautiful. Joy beyond measure. I love and cherish every single minute with them. Even in the tantrums, I don't care, I love them like crazy and am so, so thankful that I get to be there to experience it all with them. We know what it means to lose, and have learned to cherish every minute we are given.

As we heal as a family, I am constantly reminded of where we came from and how God has brought us from the ashes into His beauty. "Beauty for ashes..." What an amazing God we serve.

Letting Go the Best Way We Know How

When a foster child doesn't work out in your home for whatever reason, it can be extremely difficult in many ways. First, you go through stages of frustration, hurt, denial, grief, and then actually preparing yourself for them to leave. Second, deciding how to handle them being moved. Third, helping each child deal with yet another loss.

Our boy is gone. We knew for a long time this was coming. We tried everything to avoid it, seeking all the psychological and emotional help we could for him, but nothing worked. His conditions were permanent and would only get worse with time, and safety was becoming an issue.

As foster parents you get into this mode of feeling like you have to save them all, or as many as you possibly can. But, the cold harsh truth is that you can't. Not only do some go back to previous situations, but some "just aren't a good fit" and need to be moved. In the mix of emotions you go through during the process of recognizing, admitting, and going through with moving them, you can even feel resentment toward the child for not letting you help them, not being grateful for giving all you had and more to "rescue" them, for seeming to throw all of your efforts out the window.... But, trauma training and your training in the different disorders and mental conditions remind you these feelings, although natural, are wrong.

By the time our boy left, there was a huge sense of relief. We had already been through all of the emotions and stages, but had to wait much longer before they moved him (and yes, at our request). The thing we struggled with the most was feeling guilt. Guilt for feeling so relieved. While we had several months to prepare ourselves, he only had a week (for safety reasons we could not tell him sooner). While we were experiencing relief, he was just starting to experience the stages of grief and loss. He didn't want to go. He was happy here and wanted to stay. But, we knew that, although our decision was mainly based on what was best for our family and other kids, it was also best for him.

How do you handle it when you have come to terms with this, and want the child to be moved? Here are some tips from our experiences and things therapists and caseworkers have helped us with. These tips will even help in situations where the child is moved for other reasons (reunification, moving to biological families, etc.)

1. Never say it's the child's fault. Maybe it is in your opinion. Maybe they did so many horrible things to you that you wanted them to know they could have had a great life with you, but they screwed it up. Think I'm crazy for saying that? Truth is, I've heard plenty of stories where foster families did just that. When a child has already endured so much loss and heartache, no matter how "nasty" they were to you and your family, you need to remember that this is a HUGE loss for them. The words you choose in this transition will stay close to them for the rest of their lives. Instead, be positive. Use wording that doesn't put the blame on you, and especially not them. Blame free. Just loving. If you have to practice what to say in advance, then do it. They need to know that you loved them, cared for them, and they were wanted.

2. Send information to help the next placement. We always make up a list of things to know/daily routines for our kids when they move. We do this for the ones going to biological family members when we lose them, and for the ones we have chosen to move. It helps the next family and the child through the transition. Transitions are hard enough, but we of all people should know they are that much harder when there is absolutely no information, or you are given just what the caseworker knows. Yikes. Let's not put another family through that if we can help it. 

3. Don't send kids with garbage bags. We've all seen it far too many times, and maybe some reading this have done it without thought. Please stop. What does it tell these kids when we send them away with their belongings in garbage bags? These kids are worth far more than that kind of treatment. They are precious human beings, who should feel loved, cherished, and valuable. We always send our kids to local moves with big plastic storage tubs decorated just for them (even when going back to their birth parents). We put their names on the bins, use stickers, pictures, etc. to make them special for them. For those getting on planes, we buy nice new luggage and ribbons in their favorite colors and make them look nice and unique (Note: most agencies will reimburse some of the expense of buying new luggage for your foster kids when they are flying somewhere). Our kids leave with a sense of pride that their belongings are stored in something unique and made with love for them. 

4. Make a memory book. When a child has been with you for a while, it helps fill in the gaps for them later in life if you send them with a memory book. You can use the Life Books foster agencies provide, but our kids leave with homemade scrapbooks (often, birth parents are even thankful for these). If the child is old enough and into art and crafts, let them help you make the scrapbook as a final project together. Even if the child has only been with you a short while, provide some pictures of their time with you when they go (if possible).

5. Make those last few days special. Do the things you know your kid enjoys, go all out, and make them feel extra special. Again, I am aware that you may have some fears and bad vibes going on between you and your child, but it is so important to make them feel extra special and supported during those last few days. It can be little things and big things. For our kids we often take them to Chuck-E-Cheese's, Zap Zone, to their favorite restaurants, parks, play places, etc. If their thing is more family time, we have family game nights and movie nights before they go. Anything to reinforce that feeling of being loved and wanted. This means the world to them.

6. If safe and possible, send your phone number, or email address to aid in the child's transition. It is helpful and nice for the kids to have that open connection with you, even for just the transition part of things. Again, only do this if it is safe and possible. Some birth families should never have your contact information. I have an email account I use just for foster care and adoption that has no connection to me whatsoever. That may be a good option in some cases. No contact is understandable too in some situations. (Note to other family members: Do not give the child your contact information without the foster parents' consent. Please respect that the foster parents know the situation far better than you do.)

When our boy came to us, his caseworker told us the previous foster home didn't prepare him for a move, or even tell him. They just met him in a parking lot with garbage bags filled with some of his belongings and the caseworker to move him. The only thing I ever promised was that we would never do that to him. That if he needed to be moved from us, we would let him know in advance and help him through it. He remembered that promise over a year later, and thanked us for keeping it. He was proud of the huge bins decorated just for him and filled with all of his belongings. We bought him books to help with transitions. We filled his last weeknights with fun activities he enjoyed. We gently spoke to him about the move in love and were mindful of his emotions and feelings. We validated his feelings, and just continued to remind him that we loved him. Did he act out during that week? Of course. But we never responded in anything but love and understanding for what he was going through. He walked away feeling loved, wanted, and special.