Adoption
When Your Gain is Someone Else's Loss

As we move toward finalizing our sweet little one's adoption, the joy and thankfulness can be overwhelming at points. It is such a gift to be a part of this beautiful little girl's life. I constantly am thanking God that I get to be a part of her life, and that she gets to be a part of mine. I am in awe and so thankful that I get to be her mommy forever. It's beautiful.

I keep in contact with our daughter's birth family through emails and pictures. The family is so thankful that my husband and I are willing to keep this contact with them, and offer future meetings with her biological siblings. Our sweet little one isn't old enough to know who her birth family is, but we are allowing that connection to continue because we know it will, one day, mean the world to her. We will never hide that she is adopted, even though we've had her since infancy. We will always be completely honest with her about her situation and how she came to us. But, to have this connection with her birth family will spare her from missing pieces of her life that so many adopted children have.

I recognize that not all adopted children can have contact with their birth families, and that this is a very unique, and sometimes difficult, opportunity. And, when a birth family does not sign off their rights before they lose their rights in court, the judge can order that they never have contact with the child again until at least 18 years of age (a lot of times this is to protect the child). Our daughter's birth family knew they would lose their rights, and loved her enough that they didn't want to risk that ruling, so they made that difficult decision to sign off their rights. They had come to know us over that year, and knew how much we love our daughter. Although that didn't make their decision any easier, it gave them peace of mind knowing she was loved, cherished, and being given a life they knew they could not provide. It gave them peace knowing that we are a loving Christian home who would keep in contact with them after everything was done.

Recently, our sweet little one's birth family has told us about their regrets, fears, loss, and pain, while also knowing they made the right decision at the end to let her go. It broke my heart. In the midst of our joy, they are struggling to come to terms with all that happened. In our thanking God, they are asking for peace in the pain. Our gain is their loss. The reality of that is setting in. I am grateful they shared this with us, but heartbroken for them, and feel a new level of responsibility that I didn't realize before.

Sometimes as foster parents, we look at the condition these kids are in when they first come to us, and assume the worst about the birth families who did this to them. We easily think and know that we are the better and safer family for these kids. We assume these parents could have never loved, or cared for these kids to leave them in such horrible conditions, have them removed, let alone to have their rights terminated. But, we often forget that although in some cases that's true, it isn't always. You can see it especially in the birth families who fight hard, and when they realize they can't win, choose their child's happiness and well being over their own desires to be with them, and let them go. We recognize the loss, but somehow think it was deserved, or couldn't be that big of a loss given how we got the kids in the first place. But that just isn't true in many cases. These birth families made mistakes, big mistakes, or maybe they weren't in the financial or stable position we are in, or maybe they have disabilities or disorders that prevent them from being able to care for a child. It doesn't mean they don't love them. And it doesn't mean they don't feel the loss and heartache.

When we lost our first daughter, the pain, agony, heartache, and loss were unbearable. I felt like a huge piece of my being was stripped away and taken from me. It felt like my heart was torn out and being smashed and shattered into billions of pieces over and over again and again. I agonized for years. I still hurt severely from that loss. I still think about her every single day, wishing I had peace of mind knowing that she was actually safe and loved. Wondering, is she warm at night, is she being cared for, is she getting anything to eat, is she being abused or neglected, does she remember me even in the slightest bit? It haunts my mind, and the tears creep up on me in the strangest moments. It is a hole in me that can never be filled again. I know the pain of losing a child all too well. And, although the circumstances were different, and we didn't do anything to lose our child and fought selflessly to save her, it doesn't mean they are hurting any less than us in their loss. I think of my pain in loss, and I'm filled with grief for them in their loss, while I rejoice in this adoption.

Our gain and rejoicing is our sweet little one's birth family's loss and pain. It is sobering, and we move forward with respect, love, and empathy. 

A Glimpse Into the Lives of Foster/Adoptive Parents
(To Aid Friends and Family in Understanding)

Life as a foster parent is messy. It is complicated. It is overwhelming, and often draining. It is also beautiful. I'm going to be as honest as possible, while writing this in a way that non-foster parents will understand. I think as foster parents, we tend to shut down, give people what they want to hear, only speak about the positives, and accept that most just will never understand us, or our kids. So, let me be honest for a moment and show you a glimpse of what we deal with when we have high needs children in our homes.

Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) - RAD is caused in those early years when a child is supposed to be developing healthy bonds and attachments. Those healthy loving connections help the child's brain and body to develop properly. But, when a child is neglected and abused, moved around from place to place, etc. that loving attachment is never properly formed. This disorder is formed in those early developmental years of trauma, and affects them for the rest of their lives. It makes them unable to form solid, healthy, loving relationships and attachments when they are brought out of those situations and into good loving homes. It is a very painful and frustrating disorder to work with at times, and a lot of foster children have it. Here are some examples that can happen due to this disorder (but note, every child is different and have different levels of this disorder. It can be much worse, or not as bad):


1. Jill has been moved from foster home to foster home because she never could form attachments, and always acted out severely at random. Her previous foster homes complained about her disobedience when told to hurry up, get ready to go, put her dishes away, etc. She would refuse to cooperate, and then act out severely after being redirected. Her new foster family knows about RAD and what it can look like. They learned about some of her past, and realize her brain is just "misfiring" at points. She spaces out when told to do something, which often is confused with disobedience. When she struggles and spaces out like that, they know to gently bring her back and remind her of what she was doing, rather than acting like she was being disobedient and punishing her (which would trigger the severe behaviors). Although they understand her behaviors, it doesn't make it easy. Her inability to bond with them makes the other things she struggles with that much harder to help heal.

2. Sandy is in her second foster home. She was removed from the other home because she always felt threatened and in need to compete with other children for attention. That feeling of competition drives her to become violent with other children at times. Her new foster home creates healthy boundaries, rules, schedules, routines, therapies, and every help they can possibly get for her, but, although there is some improvement, she continues to act out. The foster parents are desperate for more help and support, but it just isn't there. They struggle daily to help Sandy make it through the day without having a meltdown.

3. Freddie is a sweet little boy who has been in and out of foster care several times in his short life. He attaches and latches onto every stranger, teacher, friend of the family, and even extended family members, but he pushes away from his adoptive parents and siblings. He never attaches to them or bonds with them, yet is so clingy, needy, and attached to complete strangers. This hurts his adoptive family. They weren't told about this disorder, and struggle to understand why he can attach and latch onto everyone except them. At points he even tries to make others think his adoptive family is bad, just so he can get that extra attention and affection from the people who do not really know him.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) - It is common for children who have been removed from severely abusive homes to have PTSD. Some is caused from sexual abuse, some from physical abuse, some from severe neglect at crucial moments, etc. The complicated thing about PTSD in children and even toddlers is that there are different things that trigger their memories, and can cause them to have different reactions. A lot of times these are misunderstood as just bad behavior, depression, attention problems, etc. And often it is really hard to figure out what all triggers them. PTSD is treatable with a good therapy program and lots of time, patience, love, and support. Here are a few examples of situations foster parents face with children struggling with PTSD (and again, every child is different and has different levels of this disorder):

1. Billy was beaten every time he wouldn't take a nap, if he wet his pants, or when he spilled something or made a mess, etc. Billy's foster parents don't know everything that happened to him, they just know that he was removed for abuse. They can't figure out why every time he drops something, he immediately freezes, stares off into nothing, won't respond, won't move, and won't do anything at all. He completely shuts down. The foster parents struggle to understand why this keeps happening. When they ask him to go potty, he just stands there and pees all over the floor and himself, motionless. It takes several minutes to finally get him to acknowledge them. When he "snaps out of it," and is asked why he did it, he just starts crying uncontrollably for long lengths of time. Every time they try to give him a nap or tuck him in at night, he just starts shaking, can't move, and is unable to communicate. Although they get the help he needs, they struggle because this is a multiple-times-a-day situation.

2. Samantha was severely neglected and forced to starve for days on end. When she needed her mom the most, she was never there. If she fell down and got hurt, she would be left to cry and bleed on her own. She knew not to go to her mom for help, because she would just be beaten for bothering her. Every time Samantha gets hurt or feels hungry at all, she is reminded of what happened to her, and she is triggered. She starts crying and screaming uncontrollably for hours and hours, and because it is something like getting a scratch, a little bump, or even just feeling a little hungry before meal or snack time, the foster parents struggle to understand what her triggers are and why she is acting out like this. The screaming is deafening, and the foster parents are unable to ease her mind during these episodes, so they just endure the screaming and crying for hours upon hours a day, often multiple times a week, while seeking the treatment she needs.

3. Bob was beaten every time he asked a question, every time he asked for help, and every time he did anything bad. His new foster home is working hard to reassure him he is safe now and they will never hurt him, but when something reminds him of what he went through before, all the reassuring in the world seems useless. He becomes violent, breaks everything in his path, starts yelling, cussing, screaming, and is no longer the loving sweet boy he was just minutes ago. His episodes can last for hours. It is like he becomes someone else every time he is triggered. No one understands what the foster parents are going through at home with him, because he is such a sweet boy most of the time. So, the foster parents have no support and no one to listen and understand their struggles. They feel alone, while trying everything to help this sweet boy heal.

Genetic Mental Illnesses - Often children are in foster care because their biological parents have mental illnesses that cause them to be abusive, neglectful, drug addicts, alcoholics, and often criminals. When a foster child comes into the system, they are not evaluated for any form of illnesses or disorders. They are just given a physical exam by a pediatrician if removed during the day, or, if removed at night, get a physical exam done one to two days later when the foster parents can get them into a doctor. There really is no way for a foster parent to know what they are dealing with until things start happening. And even then, the process of figuring out, is it PTSD, RAD, attention seeking, testing phases, different levels of trauma, or a mental illness of some kind takes time. It is a long process that can often take years to figure out. Here are a few examples of mental illnesses and what foster parents face (again, every child is different, there are multiple kinds of mental illnesses, and there is no way to make someone fully understand what they all look like to any degree):

1. Laura seems to have a lot of the typical issues foster children face. She has RAD, a mild form of PTSD, and is high needs in a few areas of development. She often seems like a normal healthy girl, but what people don't know is that she randomly becomes angry, self harming, and like a whole different person at home. There are some days she is extremely happy, other days she cuts herself and won't get out of bed all day long, and other days where she just seems angry at everyone and everything, making everyone around her as miserable as possible. Her adoptive parents have given her all of the therapies offered, but now have to get a psychiatrist involved. They are exhausted, worried, stressed, and fearful of what will happen to her and to their other kids in this long process of diagnosis and treatment.

2. Joe seems to struggle with making good choices. At first his adoptive parents thought it was RAD causing these behaviors, but something about it seemed extra troubling. He laughed when his friend's dad died, and seems happy at others' pain. If others are happy, he tries to sabotage it. He has no regard for others' feelings, and constantly seeks power and control over everyone. He always seems to think he deserves better than anything people can give him, and feels sorry for himself at all times. He steals, lies, manipulates, beats animals and other children at random, and tries to hurt his adoptive family without hesitating. His adoptive parents try everything and nothing changes. The adoptive parents seek out new help in psychiatry. The parents feel alone and isolated in these struggles that no one seems to understand.

3. Jenny's past made her foster parents believe her behaviors were PTSD related. They thought she was being triggered by things that brought up memories, and they got her all the counseling they could to help her through it. She continues to get worse. Her triggers are becoming more random than before. She is out of control most of the time. She gets violent and screams, sometimes all throughout the night and into the next day. They begin to realize it is more than PTSD. The foster parents are drained, worn out, exhausted, and realize it is time to seek psychiatric help.

Food - Food in and of itself can often be a major problem for foster/adoptive children. Some were starved, some were taught by drug-addict parents to purge themselves, some view food as security. Here are a few examples of food issues kids can face:

1. Kevin was starved and neglected before found and brought into his current foster home. Although Sam sees that the foster family has lots of food always available to him, he struggles to understand that he will never go hungry again. He overeats during meals and asks for snacks constantly. At school and the babysitter's house, he lies to everyone saying they starve him at home, or that he didn't get to eat a meal that day, or is really hungry to get more food. At home there are safe food rules in place to help him through his trauma and food issues, but others don't understand and just want to help make him feel better. Some shake their heads at the foster parents, thinking they underfeed or don't feed him at all. These people make Kevin's problems worse.

2. Betty understood what it meant to go hungry and without for days and days while her parents were gone. She knew that when they brought food home, she'd have to sneak it into her room and save some for the days she would go without. In her new home, she is in therapy and learning that she never has to worry about going hungry again. She struggles to understand it. She stashes the food in her closet, dresser, under her bed, in her locker at school, etc. She does this to make sure that she is going to be ok if her foster parents let her down.

3. Daniel loves food. He knows what it is like to have plenty, and he knows what it is like to go hungry. Sometimes he sees it as comfort, and other times he just wants to enjoy as much as he can in the moment, without regard to what might happen if he doesn't stop eating. His adoptive family works with him on this issue, but he still randomly eats so much that he randomly vomits all over everything. His adoptive family is trying to teach him about healthy portions, and that he can enjoy more later if he waits. Others think the adoptive parents are cruel to limit his food intake, so they sneak more food to him, not understanding the situation. This interferes with his treatment plan.

These are some examples of issues foster/adoptive parents face on a regular basis. Again, these stories are made up and not real, but based on real situations families face to aid understanding. Please remember that foster/adoptive parents are dealing with far more than they ever let on, far more than you ever see or hear, and far more than most could imagine going through. Foster parents also have added stresses of appointments, regular inspections, visits, and all the other requirements on top of caring for their precious children. They need your understanding, support, friendship, prayers,  love, and encouragement.

Foster parents also need to know that you will still be there for them if they realize they can't do it anymore and have to let a child go. There is so much guilt, loss, fear, sadness, and a sense of failure that goes into a foster parent having to make that tough decision to let go of a child for their family's health and safety. Please do not leave them alone in that struggle.

Foster parents need your love and support while children are in their homes, and when the children are gone. They truly love their foster children, so please respect that. Support them, lift them up. Remember, they are doing something for this world that most others would never do. They are putting aside all of their own wants and needs, and giving everything they've got and more to the children who come into their homes and lives. They take in complete strangers and make them family. They give these kids a second, third, fourth chance. They love them. They cherish them. They would do anything for them. They deserve your respect and support.

Physical, Emotional, and Spiritual Health
Of a Foster Parent
(The Painful Truth)

There I was, a foster parent for almost 5 years, stay-at-home mom for 4 1/2 years, loving and caring for our precious medically fragile child. Things have not always been great as a foster parent, in fact there have been far more hard times than good. I have not healed and will never feel completely moved on from our other precious children we have lost to some terrifying situations. But, this was different. After almost giving up and quitting the foster parenting scene, I finally had a glimpse of good, a glimpse of happiness for the first time in years. Holding our sweet little one, and watching her adorable personality develop is like a little ray of sunshine in this dark world my eyes have been opened to since starting foster care. It is a breath of fresh air. Life.

Fear - With finding the ability to love so deeply again and that sweet ray of sunshine came fear - fear of loss, fear of watching the same outcome I've seen so many times, fear of what this precious child would endure if the system failed like so many times before, fear of what that would do to this sweet child, and honestly, fear of what that would do to me to see it happen again. You can tell me I'm wrong to have fear, but if you fully understood how many children we've lost to bad situations, while praying in full faith and belief that God would rescue them, you wouldn't be so quick to judge.

Guilt - Guilty that I was needing to let go and be able to allow myself to move on with life apart from my other children. Holding on with what little pieces I had left. All the while, holding on was killing me inside and out. So much guilt for that need to be released from the waiting, the pain, and the unknown.

With fear, guilt, and a lack of control over anything that happens, comes stress. Stress that is an unnecessary evil to add to the already stressful life of foster care, let alone caring for a medically fragile infant.

Stress - Let's talk about the stress. Every mother understands the stresses involved with parenting (along with the guilt of feeling stressed out over the most precious little people in your life), but foster parenting comes with a whole different level of stress. An unnatural stress. Typical parenting stress is natural, though often a lot to handle, still natural. Fostering comes with the unnatural levels of stress that go far beyond regular parenting stresses. Keeping your house perfectly presentable at all times for random home inspections on top of the multiple "home visits" you have a month; taking your kids to visits with their biological parents (which presents a whole new form of all kinds of emotions and stress I will not go into); all of the appointments required for foster kids; the extra amount of care, attention, and emotional availability foster children so desperately need at all times; the constant filing, paperwork, journals, phone calls (so many phone calls every single day), court hearings, etc. These are all things added on top of the normal parenting. Add to that all the extra care and appointments needed for a medically fragile child (which really is a pure joy too). 

Sleep - Everyone knows there is a lack of sleep with infants in the house, but when that infant is medically fragile, that means a lot less sleep. And although I am blessed with an amazing husband who was taking turns with me at night/early morning, I was exhausted all the time. 

Over time, the emotional and physical exhaustion just becomes your norm, and although you are aware of it, you can feel almost incapable of doing anything to stop it. It is so easy, as a foster parent, to lose yourself.

I continued to put everyone else and everything else above my own needs. I knew I was having some pretty serious physical issues, but I chose to ignore them to focus solely on my husband and kids. I forgot all I knew about taking time for myself, and gave every piece of my attention and energy to everyone else. Slowly, but surely, I began to give into the feeling that I had no control and there was nothing I could do, but to continue giving what little I had left to give.

I was wrong. My wake up call came when I finally went to the doctor to address my physical pain and fatigue. While there, I found myself admitting to just how out of control my life had gotten. My diet, my health, my exercise, my alone time, my spiritual life. Everything in my life was out of control to keep everyone else' lives in order.  I burst into tears in the middle of my doctor's office while shamefully admitting my pathetic state. I was so embarrassed and felt like a complete mess. She gave me no more than 3 months to get myself back on track, so we could figure out which health issues were related to stress, and which ones were not. She gave me some guidelines which included changing my diet, daily exercise, 1 hour of "me time" at least 3x/wk, and personal care changes (including attending physical therapy, chiropractic care, etc.). I agreed to everything she suggested, and we set up a follow-up appointment to make sure I stayed on track.

I came home, and shamefully admitted to my husband that I had burst into tears at the doctor's office, explained why, and told him all the new things I would have to do over the next few months. Being the great husband that he is, he agreed to help me work on everything. I started a daily health journal, and worked on improving my physical, emotional, and spiritual health.

Everything was helping a little, but the weight I felt from holding onto the past and not being able to let go became more obvious. The hidden, unspoken cause of so much stress and guilt was about our previous children we had lost. I realized I had to be able to move on, but in order to do that, my husband needed to be willing to let go too. We were almost holding each other down in our grief and agony. In every single decision, move, thought, everything was decided and guided by the possibility that our previous children might come back to us. Everything in our world was revolving around not being able to move on. When there is no closure, it is impossible to really say goodbye and move on with life. But, we had to let ourselves find a way to move on without the closure. We had to let go of the "What if."

Finally, during one of our evening walks together, I gathered the courage to finally say it. As my husband again said something about the "What if" and making another decision based on that, I blurted out that I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't constantly be thinking about the what if anymore. I needed to live...really live, and I couldn't unless allowed to move on and stop asking and basing every single decision on the "What if" and the kids we no longer had. I felt like the lowest of lows admitting this. I felt like I was betraying my precious kids I loved with everything in me and more. After a series of events, my husband agreed with me. For the first time in years, we started making decisions without asking, "What if." We finally are able to live in the now.

It wasn't until being able to move on from what was and who/what we've lost, and being able to just focus on our current children and our current lives, that I finally felt the extra stress start to lift. My diet changes, life changes, and ability to move on changed everything and made the typical foster care stresses more manageable again. And as our cases come to a close, the stress lifts more and more. I cannot say all of my health issues were caused by the stress, they weren't, but relieving that stress and remembering to take care of myself again has made a huge impact.

Foster parents, learn from my mistakes. Don't get lost in the mess of things. Remember to take care of your own physical, emotional, and spiritual needs.