Physical, Emotional, and Spiritual Health
Of a Foster Parent
(The Painful Truth)
There I was, a foster parent for almost 5 years, stay-at-home mom for 4 1/2 years, loving and caring for our precious medically fragile child. Things have not always been great as a foster parent, in fact there have been far more hard times than good. I have not healed and will never feel completely moved on from our other precious children we have lost to some terrifying situations. But, this was different. After almost giving up and quitting the foster parenting scene, I finally had a glimpse of good, a glimpse of happiness for the first time in years. Holding our sweet little one, and watching her adorable personality develop is like a little ray of sunshine in this dark world my eyes have been opened to since starting foster care. It is a breath of fresh air. Life.
Fear - With finding the ability to love so deeply again and that sweet ray of sunshine came fear - fear of loss, fear of watching the same outcome I've seen so many times, fear of what this precious child would endure if the system failed like so many times before, fear of what that would do to this sweet child, and honestly, fear of what that would do to me to see it happen again. You can tell me I'm wrong to have fear, but if you fully understood how many children we've lost to bad situations, while praying in full faith and belief that God would rescue them, you wouldn't be so quick to judge.
Guilt - Guilty that I was needing to let go and be able to allow myself to move on with life apart from my other children. Holding on with what little pieces I had left. All the while, holding on was killing me inside and out. So much guilt for that need to be released from the waiting, the pain, and the unknown.
Fear - With finding the ability to love so deeply again and that sweet ray of sunshine came fear - fear of loss, fear of watching the same outcome I've seen so many times, fear of what this precious child would endure if the system failed like so many times before, fear of what that would do to this sweet child, and honestly, fear of what that would do to me to see it happen again. You can tell me I'm wrong to have fear, but if you fully understood how many children we've lost to bad situations, while praying in full faith and belief that God would rescue them, you wouldn't be so quick to judge.
Guilt - Guilty that I was needing to let go and be able to allow myself to move on with life apart from my other children. Holding on with what little pieces I had left. All the while, holding on was killing me inside and out. So much guilt for that need to be released from the waiting, the pain, and the unknown.
With fear, guilt, and a lack of control over anything that happens, comes stress. Stress that is an unnecessary evil to add to the already stressful life of foster care, let alone caring for a medically fragile infant.
Stress - Let's talk about the stress. Every mother understands the stresses involved with parenting (along with the guilt of feeling stressed out over the most precious little people in your life), but foster parenting comes with a whole different level of stress. An unnatural stress. Typical parenting stress is natural, though often a lot to handle, still natural. Fostering comes with the unnatural levels of stress that go far beyond regular parenting stresses. Keeping your house perfectly presentable at all times for random home inspections on top of the multiple "home visits" you have a month; taking your kids to visits with their biological parents (which presents a whole new form of all kinds of emotions and stress I will not go into); all of the appointments required for foster kids; the extra amount of care, attention, and emotional availability foster children so desperately need at all times; the constant filing, paperwork, journals, phone calls (so many phone calls every single day), court hearings, etc. These are all things added on top of the normal parenting. Add to that all the extra care and appointments needed for a medically fragile child (which really is a pure joy too).
Sleep - Everyone knows there is a lack of sleep with infants in the house, but when that infant is medically fragile, that means a lot less sleep. And although I am blessed with an amazing husband who was taking turns with me at night/early morning, I was exhausted all the time.
Over time, the emotional and physical exhaustion just becomes your norm, and although you are aware of it, you can feel almost incapable of doing anything to stop it. It is so easy, as a foster parent, to lose yourself.
I continued to put everyone else and everything else above my own needs. I knew I was having some pretty serious physical issues, but I chose to ignore them to focus solely on my husband and kids. I forgot all I knew about taking time for myself, and gave every piece of my attention and energy to everyone else. Slowly, but surely, I began to give into the feeling that I had no control and there was nothing I could do, but to continue giving what little I had left to give.
I was wrong. My wake up call came when I finally went to the doctor to address my physical pain and fatigue. While there, I found myself admitting to just how out of control my life had gotten. My diet, my health, my exercise, my alone time, my spiritual life. Everything in my life was out of control to keep everyone else' lives in order. I burst into tears in the middle of my doctor's office while shamefully admitting my pathetic state. I was so embarrassed and felt like a complete mess. She gave me no more than 3 months to get myself back on track, so we could figure out which health issues were related to stress, and which ones were not. She gave me some guidelines which included changing my diet, daily exercise, 1 hour of "me time" at least 3x/wk, and personal care changes (including attending physical therapy, chiropractic care, etc.). I agreed to everything she suggested, and we set up a follow-up appointment to make sure I stayed on track.
I came home, and shamefully admitted to my husband that I had burst into tears at the doctor's office, explained why, and told him all the new things I would have to do over the next few months. Being the great husband that he is, he agreed to help me work on everything. I started a daily health journal, and worked on improving my physical, emotional, and spiritual health.
Everything was helping a little, but the weight I felt from holding onto the past and not being able to let go became more obvious. The hidden, unspoken cause of so much stress and guilt was about our previous children we had lost. I realized I had to be able to move on, but in order to do that, my husband needed to be willing to let go too. We were almost holding each other down in our grief and agony. In every single decision, move, thought, everything was decided and guided by the possibility that our previous children might come back to us. Everything in our world was revolving around not being able to move on. When there is no closure, it is impossible to really say goodbye and move on with life. But, we had to let ourselves find a way to move on without the closure. We had to let go of the "What if."
Finally, during one of our evening walks together, I gathered the courage to finally say it. As my husband again said something about the "What if" and making another decision based on that, I blurted out that I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't constantly be thinking about the what if anymore. I needed to live...really live, and I couldn't unless allowed to move on and stop asking and basing every single decision on the "What if" and the kids we no longer had. I felt like the lowest of lows admitting this. I felt like I was betraying my precious kids I loved with everything in me and more. After a series of events, my husband agreed with me. For the first time in years, we started making decisions without asking, "What if." We finally are able to live in the now.
It wasn't until being able to move on from what was and who/what we've lost, and being able to just focus on our current children and our current lives, that I finally felt the extra stress start to lift. My diet changes, life changes, and ability to move on changed everything and made the typical foster care stresses more manageable again. And as our cases come to a close, the stress lifts more and more. I cannot say all of my health issues were caused by the stress, they weren't, but relieving that stress and remembering to take care of myself again has made a huge impact.
Foster parents, learn from my mistakes. Don't get lost in the mess of things. Remember to take care of your own physical, emotional, and spiritual needs.
Stress - Let's talk about the stress. Every mother understands the stresses involved with parenting (along with the guilt of feeling stressed out over the most precious little people in your life), but foster parenting comes with a whole different level of stress. An unnatural stress. Typical parenting stress is natural, though often a lot to handle, still natural. Fostering comes with the unnatural levels of stress that go far beyond regular parenting stresses. Keeping your house perfectly presentable at all times for random home inspections on top of the multiple "home visits" you have a month; taking your kids to visits with their biological parents (which presents a whole new form of all kinds of emotions and stress I will not go into); all of the appointments required for foster kids; the extra amount of care, attention, and emotional availability foster children so desperately need at all times; the constant filing, paperwork, journals, phone calls (so many phone calls every single day), court hearings, etc. These are all things added on top of the normal parenting. Add to that all the extra care and appointments needed for a medically fragile child (which really is a pure joy too).
Sleep - Everyone knows there is a lack of sleep with infants in the house, but when that infant is medically fragile, that means a lot less sleep. And although I am blessed with an amazing husband who was taking turns with me at night/early morning, I was exhausted all the time.
Over time, the emotional and physical exhaustion just becomes your norm, and although you are aware of it, you can feel almost incapable of doing anything to stop it. It is so easy, as a foster parent, to lose yourself.
I continued to put everyone else and everything else above my own needs. I knew I was having some pretty serious physical issues, but I chose to ignore them to focus solely on my husband and kids. I forgot all I knew about taking time for myself, and gave every piece of my attention and energy to everyone else. Slowly, but surely, I began to give into the feeling that I had no control and there was nothing I could do, but to continue giving what little I had left to give.
I was wrong. My wake up call came when I finally went to the doctor to address my physical pain and fatigue. While there, I found myself admitting to just how out of control my life had gotten. My diet, my health, my exercise, my alone time, my spiritual life. Everything in my life was out of control to keep everyone else' lives in order. I burst into tears in the middle of my doctor's office while shamefully admitting my pathetic state. I was so embarrassed and felt like a complete mess. She gave me no more than 3 months to get myself back on track, so we could figure out which health issues were related to stress, and which ones were not. She gave me some guidelines which included changing my diet, daily exercise, 1 hour of "me time" at least 3x/wk, and personal care changes (including attending physical therapy, chiropractic care, etc.). I agreed to everything she suggested, and we set up a follow-up appointment to make sure I stayed on track.
I came home, and shamefully admitted to my husband that I had burst into tears at the doctor's office, explained why, and told him all the new things I would have to do over the next few months. Being the great husband that he is, he agreed to help me work on everything. I started a daily health journal, and worked on improving my physical, emotional, and spiritual health.
Everything was helping a little, but the weight I felt from holding onto the past and not being able to let go became more obvious. The hidden, unspoken cause of so much stress and guilt was about our previous children we had lost. I realized I had to be able to move on, but in order to do that, my husband needed to be willing to let go too. We were almost holding each other down in our grief and agony. In every single decision, move, thought, everything was decided and guided by the possibility that our previous children might come back to us. Everything in our world was revolving around not being able to move on. When there is no closure, it is impossible to really say goodbye and move on with life. But, we had to let ourselves find a way to move on without the closure. We had to let go of the "What if."
Finally, during one of our evening walks together, I gathered the courage to finally say it. As my husband again said something about the "What if" and making another decision based on that, I blurted out that I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't constantly be thinking about the what if anymore. I needed to live...really live, and I couldn't unless allowed to move on and stop asking and basing every single decision on the "What if" and the kids we no longer had. I felt like the lowest of lows admitting this. I felt like I was betraying my precious kids I loved with everything in me and more. After a series of events, my husband agreed with me. For the first time in years, we started making decisions without asking, "What if." We finally are able to live in the now.
It wasn't until being able to move on from what was and who/what we've lost, and being able to just focus on our current children and our current lives, that I finally felt the extra stress start to lift. My diet changes, life changes, and ability to move on changed everything and made the typical foster care stresses more manageable again. And as our cases come to a close, the stress lifts more and more. I cannot say all of my health issues were caused by the stress, they weren't, but relieving that stress and remembering to take care of myself again has made a huge impact.
Foster parents, learn from my mistakes. Don't get lost in the mess of things. Remember to take care of your own physical, emotional, and spiritual needs.
