To the Traumatized Foster Parent
You Are Not Alone

You know who you are. You can feel it in the depths of your being. You ache. You agonize. You see the images of the mangled faces and bodies of the children you've cared for. You repeat their cases over and over in your head wondering if there was something else you could have done to stop them from going back to their abusers. You constantly think, "What if?" When people tell you how hard it must be and that they couldn't handle it, you are angered that they think for some reason you can and that is why you do this. Anytime anyone asks you about the children you've cared for in the past, you see those images again - the images of those blood-filled eyes, the black and blue hand prints around their necks, the burns around their legs, ...... the images you can never share with others that you have seen - and while holding back the tears, you give a brief distant answer making them feel like you've shared a lot. When you see a child in the store who reminds you of your sweet foster child, the tears creep up on you, then the memories, and you have to force yourself to look away.

The images...If only you could get those images out of your mind! The reason you dressed your foster child in long sleeves and pants in the middle of summer, or wouldn't let your friends or family see them for the first week or two - you were protecting them from what you've seen, and protecting the child from being looked at with pity, disbelief, or dismay. The reason you weren't allowed to let your child look in the mirror for weeks on end. The reason you weren't allowed to take them out in public unless to go to the hospital or doctor's office for rechecks and more tests. The reason that nurse or doctor quit their job because they saw what you saw and couldn't handle risking seeing that again.

And these innocent little ones went back to their abusers because someone didn't do their job, someone lied, someone didn't care, someone withheld information they didn't think the judge needed to hear, someone decided they weren't paid enough to even try. They are gone, yet still living on in the abuse you once thought you saved them from.

You have to live with those images worse than any abuse case they show on the news. You live with the memories of that child's healing process in your care. How they came to life in your home. How they called you mommy or daddy immediately, and were so happy to hear they didn't have to go back to their old mommy or daddy who did this to them. How many times you held that child while they went into a PTSD or RAD attack hurting you or even themselves, peeing on you, and spitting in your face. The progress they made while discovering you would love them unconditionally, you wouldn't hurt them, you wouldn't give up, and you weren't going anywhere. Then that horrible nightmare of a memory of having to watch as they were sent back. They thought it was their fault. You tried and tried to tell them it wasn't their fault, but they still think it was. They thought you didn't want them, or they were just too bad for you, and although you told them over and over again that isn't true, they begin to believe the lie over time as they move back into their old lives filled with abuse, neglect, and hurt.

You've lost friends and family because of them not understanding what you've seen, what you've protected them from seeing, what you've gone through, or just how much you agonize for your children daily. You wore out your few close friends who stood by you, because you cried so much for so long and just couldn't think or talk about anything else for such a long time. You saw how they were exhausted and trying to hang in there with you, and you felt horrible. You were always the one there for everyone else, and now you were the one relying on any listening ear hoping to somehow feel even just a bit of relief, have a bit of good advice to pull through this, to just....you didn't even know. So you tried to give your friends a break by talking to other people who you knew didn't care and could brush it off with a, "Wow, they are messed up!" Then you realized that was bad and didn't work anyway, so you decided you should just keep it to yourself. After months go by, everyone thinks you should have moved on and gotten over it by now, but you can't. That assumption and others' cold harsh remarks make you feel isolated in your grieving process, and make you hold back even more.

You try to confide in other foster parents, but find very few of them understand what you are going through. You look around at the foster events and see all the children with easier cases who were allowed to be adopted, and although you are happy for them and relieved they were protected and spared from going back to their abusers, it makes you hurt even more inside. It makes you wonder why. Why not my child? Why couldn't they have been saved from such a horrible life of abuse? You aren't jealous of the other foster parents who had good experiences, but it makes something inside of you just ache - it hurts.

I am not writing this to tell you I have the solution to your heartache, memories, and agonizing pain - I don't. I am writing this to let you know you are not alone. We are the ones who have seen the worst cases. We are the ones who have seen the system fail. We have seen the workers who withhold information from the judges. We have seen what happens when you stand up and speak the truth while everyone else clings to a lie. We have been called names and liars. We have been threatened to shut up, or else. We have received false charges when we refused to be silenced. We have watched as the system we were told to trust failed. You are not alone. We are not alone.

I want you to take comfort in knowing you are not alone. I want you to understand that it is ok to get help. I want you to know that it is ok to admit you can't deal with this system anymore. I want you to know it is ok to seek out peace and have alone time. I want you to know that we are here with you battling that same struggle.

I want you to know that the one peace I have found in all of the agony is the One Who has remained steady and unchanging throughout. The One Who never stops listening to me. The One Who never wears out from me repeating myself over and over and over again and again and again, crying out constantly for help, falling down in His arms curled up in a ball crying, "I can't do this!!!" The One Who never disowns me or leaves me when I shout out that He is to blame and I can't trust Him anymore. The One Who is there as I come crawling back right after saying such horrible things, and as soon as I say, "I'm so sorry," picks me up and wipes the tears from my ashamed face. The One Who has seen all I have seen, feels all I have felt, knows and sees all I cannot....

I have not been healed from this pain and agony. I still see those images constantly. But, I have found peace and joy within it. I have not seen a good outcome yet, but I know God hears my desperate cries for help and is answering them in ways I can't even imagine. I don't have children I can call my own, but I know God has a plan and is holding my children in His arms for me while I wait. I know He is protecting all of my precious foster children and giving them peace through it all, because I've asked Him to do it, and He loves them more than I ever could, or could ever even comprehend. I know He will make beauty from these ashes.

Hope can be agonizing, but without it what do we have?

"Father God, Who has adopted me into Your Family, thank you. Thank you for the peace that passes all understanding that only You can give. Thank you for Your joy inside my heart in the midst of this pain. Thank you for loving me even in my darkest and ugliest moments. Thank you for hearing me and answering my cries even in the ways I don't understand. Please be with my fellow foster parents who are struggling just as I am right now. They are desperate for your peace, comfort, and joy just as I am, God. They are feeling crushed and alone as they ache for their foster children who suffer so much. Please remind them with your gentle loving voice that they are not alone, and that You are beside them every single step of the way. I ask this in the Name of Your One and Only Son, Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior, Amen."