Beauty from Ashes
I can't stop thanking God for bringing us from the ashes and turning everything into His beauty. He has blessed us beyond our wildest dreams, even in all of the pain, loss, and heartache. Healing, grace, faithfulness, love beyond comprehension, and restoration of hope. God is amazing. He is beautiful, and He works all things for good when we love Him with our lives.
Years ago we started our foster journey completely blind to what we were getting into. We thought we were going to rescue these kids, adopt them, and raise them in Christ's love, living happily ever after with a few bumps here and there, but nothing we couldn't handle. Right. 6 years, 15 kids, and more tears than I could ever count later, we have arrived. We have our forever family!
I never thought I could recover. I never thought I could heal. I had been torn into billions of pieces when promised adoption and a year later watching that adoption fail, while seeing our precious children go back to the hands that beat and neglected them so severely. It was the worst form of torture. There were days I laid down on the floor, no strength in me left to stand, just balling and thinking I could die there in the loss and agony of knowing my children were living a nightmare and I couldn't help them, or just be there to comfort them. I will never forget collapsing on the ground in complete agony the day our daughter left. I cannot describe that kind of heartache to anyone who hasn't lived through it, and am frustrated by those who try to compare it to losing a loved one. It is very different. Through a miscarriage, we lost three children in the time everyone thought we had lost two, and honestly, we could only handle people knowing about two. Nothing else could matter at that point, because we knew the pain and agony those two were facing without us there to hold them and protect them. They became ours, then were torn away to be abused by strangers.
There were times I wanted to quit foster care and never look back. We would have lost so much more without even knowing it if we had.
When I would start to lose trust in God, He would rescue me from myself. When my faith would falter, He remained faithful and would gently bring me back. When my strength fell flat and I became nothing, He became my strength and my everything. When I cried until I had no tears left, He cried for me. When I screamed and shouted at Him in my prayers of agony, He was merciful and gave me grace. When I repeated the same prayers over and over again and again, He listened and was patient. When I gave up hope, He rescued me and renewed my hope.
Years ago we started our foster journey completely blind to what we were getting into. We thought we were going to rescue these kids, adopt them, and raise them in Christ's love, living happily ever after with a few bumps here and there, but nothing we couldn't handle. Right. 6 years, 15 kids, and more tears than I could ever count later, we have arrived. We have our forever family!
I never thought I could recover. I never thought I could heal. I had been torn into billions of pieces when promised adoption and a year later watching that adoption fail, while seeing our precious children go back to the hands that beat and neglected them so severely. It was the worst form of torture. There were days I laid down on the floor, no strength in me left to stand, just balling and thinking I could die there in the loss and agony of knowing my children were living a nightmare and I couldn't help them, or just be there to comfort them. I will never forget collapsing on the ground in complete agony the day our daughter left. I cannot describe that kind of heartache to anyone who hasn't lived through it, and am frustrated by those who try to compare it to losing a loved one. It is very different. Through a miscarriage, we lost three children in the time everyone thought we had lost two, and honestly, we could only handle people knowing about two. Nothing else could matter at that point, because we knew the pain and agony those two were facing without us there to hold them and protect them. They became ours, then were torn away to be abused by strangers.
There were times I wanted to quit foster care and never look back. We would have lost so much more without even knowing it if we had.
When I would start to lose trust in God, He would rescue me from myself. When my faith would falter, He remained faithful and would gently bring me back. When my strength fell flat and I became nothing, He became my strength and my everything. When I cried until I had no tears left, He cried for me. When I screamed and shouted at Him in my prayers of agony, He was merciful and gave me grace. When I repeated the same prayers over and over again and again, He listened and was patient. When I gave up hope, He rescued me and renewed my hope.
When God brought our sweet little one to us, it was at a very dark point in time for me. I had lost hope, I wanted to be done with foster care, I was scared to love again and lose, and I was scared of what seeing another precious child go back to an abuser would do to me spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. But despite our attempts not to get attached this time, we fell completely in love with her. It was a very emotional fight to protect her, with many spiritual lows for me, but God had mercy on her and us. I would say, "When God rescued her, He rescued us too." After going through so much, it was hard to fully understand adoption was happening until it was done. Even then, it didn't fully set in that she was OUR DAUGHTER and we were a FOREVER family until the day we dedicated her to Christ and had her adoption party. What an amazing experience we had longed for and waited for for so long.
Our precious tiny one came to us at just the right time. We had just finished adopting our daughter, and had told our agency the previous week that we weren't accepting more children. Then, less than a week later, we got the call. A beautiful baby girl for adoption. Our agency thought of us immediately and called. God is amazing in how He works. Here we are the parents of two beautiful daughters. A forever family. You know, they always talk about kids finding their forever families, but the truth is, we got a forever family too. This is a beautiful blessing. God has been so gracious to us.
Our daughters are so beautiful and precious. They are the sweetest girls. I feel like the luckiest mom in the world. Watching their personalities develop is amazing and beautiful. Joy beyond measure. I love and cherish every single minute with them. Even in the tantrums, I don't care, I love them like crazy and am so, so thankful that I get to be there to experience it all with them. We know what it means to lose, and have learned to cherish every minute we are given.
As we heal as a family, I am constantly reminded of where we came from and how God has brought us from the ashes into His beauty. "Beauty for ashes..." What an amazing God we serve.
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