Mother's Day

I always enjoyed mother's day growing up, and even as an adult without children. It was always nice to spend a day recognizing my mom and grandmas, and showering them with love, thanks, cards, and gifts. I never minded not getting the little flower pots handed out at church for the moms, even when I wanted kids of my own. I never minded it, because I still enjoyed celebrating my mom and grandmas, and I looked forward to the day I could celebrate it myself.

My first mother's day as a foster mom was beautiful. We had our sweet little girl we were told we would adopt. Having this beautiful child in my life redefined mother's day for me. It was beautiful, and I was filled with gratitude for the privilege of having this sweet baby in my care. Soon after, we got our adorable son we were told we would adopt too. The weather was even extra hot that spring, so it was totally my kind of spring too. Everything just seemed right. That whole spring was the sweetest spring of my entire life.

When we lost our children to their severely abusive families, life was never really the same. Unlike death, you know they are still suffering somewhere, and you can't do a single thing about it. You constantly think about them and wonder if they are ok. You know they don't understand why you couldn't keep them with you, and wonder if they think it was their fault. You wonder if they even remember you, and if they do, if it brings joy or pain for them to think of you. You wonder what they are going through, are they warm at night, are they getting any form of healthy love. Sometimes you wonder if they are even still alive. You long to hold them close and tell them how much you love them, how special they are, and how much they are loved and deserve love, but you can't.

My perspective of mother's day changed. I became so filled with grief, pain, and agony, that any extra reminder of my loss as a mother was more than I could handle. I went from being a mother of many, to not a mother at all. People didn't recognize me as a mother anymore. I started hiding away on mother's day. I wouldn't go to church, or out to eat even, because everywhere I went was all about mother's day. I spent the first one hiding out in my yard working in my garden and flowerbeds, hoping the work would keep my mind off of the agony of the day. My mother's day present from my husband was all the stuff I needed to be out there doing that work (it was what I asked for).

The second mother's day was our last Sunday we were supposed to help out with music at our church before moving away, so I had to face my pain and go. When we got in the sanctuary to get ready to start the music, they played a mother's day video recognizing all of the moms. I couldn't even look at the screen, and started crying. I managed to force myself to pull it together, so I could still lead in the singing after the video was done playing. I told myself, “It's ok, it's over, recognition of the day is done, you'll be ok. You can do this. Don't fall apart now. It's done.” I repeated these things to myself in my mind as I headed up with the team to lead people in worship through songs. But then it happened, there was a break in the music, and yet another video was played. I couldn't believe that they would play another video with me up on the platform in front of everyone...Someone did not think that one through at all. I immediately started just looking at the floor and biting my lip in an effort to stop myself from crying. I tried to think of other things. I think I bit my lip so hard it was bleeding. I really struggled pulling through those last few songs without breaking down. But, I somehow held it together and got through it... Not without a few cracks in my voice, but I got through it. After making it through that horrible service, I faced another fear and went out to lunch with my parents, because I wanted to still recognize this special day for my mom and was already out. There, I was again reminded that I was no longer viewed as a mother by others, and all of the loss turned to anger and frustration. The waitress came and looked only at my mom and said, “Any mother's at this table get a free coupon book!” She handed it to my mom and started to walk away. I couldn't hold in the frustration anymore, and said, “I am a mother too.” Then the poor girl felt bad, and handed me a booklet while apologizing to me. I told her it was ok, but after that, I was more than ready to leave that place and get away from everyone. I cried a lot that day.

This mother's day, although we have had many foster children since that first experience, and have experienced new pain and loss since, I still struggle. And the truth is, I still mainly struggle over those first two we were told we would adopt, but instead had to watch them go back to suffering. I have another sweet little one with me this time, and love her in a way I never thought I was capable of again. It scares me. People wonder why I can't just freely enjoy the time given with her without worry or fear, but if they understood the loss and pain I've endured from letting myself love so deeply, then watching the system fail time and time again, I think they would be a little more understanding. I don't have adopted kids or biological kids still here when my foster children leave. We go from a full house of love to an empty house. There is no in between for us. I am here still wanting to skip church, still wanting to stay home, still wanting to just work on new flowerbeds and gardens to avoid the crowd. To avoid the constant reminders of the loss and pain. I love being with this sweet little one, but now mother's day also reminds me of my fear of losing this one to a horrible situation just like before.

Ladies, whether you are a mother of many children, a mother of grown children who won't be around this year, a mother who has lost their sweet precious little ones, a mother struggling to get pregnant, a mother who has suffered miscarriages, YOU are still a mother. You are not alone. We are here with you. We may be silently suffering along side you, but we are still here with you. God hears our lonely broken cries, and He is right here beside us. It's ok to ask Him to hold you through this. His peace is there. I would not have survived this far without Him. You are not alone. We are not alone.

Ministers, pastors, and priests, you need to recognize the pain going on within the church (the people are the church). You need to be paying attention to what is going on there. Do you have women struggling to get pregnant? Do you have women suffering from miscarriages? Do you have women in foster care or adoptive situations who have experienced heartache and loss? Do you have women who lost their children prematurely? You should be ministering to them on Mother's Day, not ignoring them. We love our God and Savior, our Comforter, our Strength, and we want to worship Him with you on this day just like any other day, so please let us! Let us join you, not hide from you! Help us worship God in this pain, which often times is the most beautiful form of worship...Help us do this.

Keeping the Spark Alive While Parenting

I've heard so many mothers struggle with this, and I myself have struggled with it. The only difference is, I've had 7 children and breaks in between with no children to help learn how to balance this struggle.

Being a mom and a lover at the same time.

Can all of the moms say an overwhelmed, "uggggg...... yes...." for me please? We've all been there! 

Now, I'm not going to claim I've perfected this, or don't screw things up sometimes. Trust me, I mess this up and lose my focus. None of us are perfect, as much as we try to pretend we are. But, here are some extremely valuable lessons I've learned along the way about balancing being a good momma, while also being a good spouse and lover.

1. It is ok to walk away to take a deep breath.
When your children are screaming and things are just out of hand, and nothing you do seems to fix anything, it is ok to step away for a minute and just calm down and refocus. Your kids need you to be calm and collected to help them through whatever crisis they are experiencing at the moment. And, you need to take a break for your own health and sanity. Breathe deeply, say a prayer, and refocus yourself. Being a mother is a wonderful blessing from God. You may not have your children forever, and eventually they will be all grown up and you will wonder where the time went. Remember these things as you refocus. Then, when you have collected your thoughts, go back out and calmly help them. They calm down better when you are calm. (Note: Always make sure they are in a child-safe/child-proofed room before you step away for a breather, and never leave your children alone in the house.)

2. When your spouse comes home, give him a hug and kiss, tell him you love him, and ask a quick, "How was your day?"
Trust me, I know this can be difficult when you've been running around like crazy all day long, are trying to get some food on the table, trying to get your kids to the potty and ready to eat, etc. But, this is very important for your spouse and for you. You need to let him know that you still care about him, even though your mind is running here, there, and everywhere.

3. Give your spouse some time to transition from work mode to daddy mode.
Before or after supper, this can be as little as 15-20 minutes to just let him clear his mind and be able to focus on the kids.

4. Give yourself a break.
After your spouse has had time to ready himself to help take care of the kids, go take a break. I suggest leaving the house, so you can't hear the kids at all. You can just go sit outside or go for a little walk. If it is too cold outside, shut yourself in your bedroom and lock the door to read, pray, take a quick nap, or just think. Clear your mind. You don't need to feel bad about this, because it gives your spouse some quality one-on-one time with your kids. It also lets your spouse know you trust him. 

5. Do something together as a family.
After you both have had a little break to clear your thoughts, spend some quality family time together. If it is nice outside, take the kids for a walk, take them to the park, or take them outside to play. If it isn't nice outside, play games, read, or have a special movie and popcorn night with them. Be involved. Play with them, snuggle with them, teach them new things, etc. Just be with them and be involved as parents together.

6. Bedtime. On time. Always.
As much as possible, send your kids to bed by 8pm. This is good for their health, and good for your relationship with your spouse. You and your spouse should get the kids ready for bed together. Be together as you tuck them in, read them their bedtime story, and say prayers with them. It is very important to do this together as a family. It is good for the kids and good for you and your spouse.

7. Quality time with your lover while your children are asleep.
As soon as you put the kids to bed, make some popcorn or a healthy snack, and just relax with your spouse. Use this time to either just talk, watch a movie or your favorite shows together, or play a game. Just relax and be a couple. This will help you move from being parents to being lovers again.

8. Exercise together.

Even if you don't do the same exercise routine, just do it in the same room or at the same time, so it is together. Together is key. It is good for your stress levels and your overall health to do even just a 30 minute workout each day. And, doing your workouts at the same time, not only means more time together, but also accountability to actually do it.

9. Go to bed together.
Bedtime for couples is very important, and I'm not just talking about sex either. Often times the best and most important conversations happen when you are comfortably side by side in bed. Go to bed at a decent hour, so you have time to talk with each other, do devotions together, and pray together. Read a quick devotional or chapter of the Bible together. Pray together. I cannot begin to tell you how important it is to pray together with your spouse. During this prayer time, I encourage you to mainly focus on praying for your children, each other, and your family. If you are early birds, you can always do the devotional and prayer time together in the mornings. The important thing is that you are doing this together every single day.

10. Go on dates.
It is very important to keep that spark alive by planning dates with your lover. You know what will work best for you, but I highly recommend going on dates at least once a month, but you should aim for more. Spice things up, and be creative for these dates. Have fun. After all, you don't get much alone time with him anymore, so use that alone time wisely. Can't get a night away? Baby sitter cancel on you? No problem! After putting the kids to bed, do something out of the norm. You can make a special dessert, set out glasses of wine, put a fire in the fireplace (or on the tv screen), look up some speed dating or interview questions, and have yourselves a fun little date for the night. There is no reason not to have a date night, even when you are stuck at home or completely broke. Be creative and change things up for that special date night.

11. Allow friend time.
It is good for you to get together with a friend or two for coffee or something fun and relaxing. You can do this in place of your break sometimes. And your spouse will need some guy time too, and that's ok. It is also good to spend time with friends together with your spouse. Have friends with kids over for a cookout, so the kids can play while you couples hang out. Never forget to have fun and to include your friends in your life. Friends are important.

This may seem like a lot, but when you actually put it into practice, it really isn't. It doesn't take much time out of your day to make time for your spouse and for you. And, you will find your family will be happier because of it. 

Not Forsaken

Isn't it funny how our minds forget things until the right moment?

Our sweet child is gone. This is about our fight for justice in this foster care system. 

At the beginning of our downward spiral of events, I thought that was the worst of it, and God would bring us back up from there. I remember reading Psalms and thinking how the authors would always one moment be praising God for the amazing and wonderful things He had done, and the next cry out, "My God, why have you forsaken me?!" Then back to the praising God again, just to go right back to crying out that He had forsaken them yet again. I laughed at their lack of understanding of Who God Is and that He clearly never had forgotten or forsaken them. Don't get me wrong, I love the book of Psalms, and I have read it over and over again - especially in my times of praise or need.

 At the beginning of these events, it was more than anything I had ever been through, could ever imagine going through, and way more than I was ever capable of handling. But, at the same time, I found strength, peace, and hope in the midst of it all. And, my faith hadn't been shaken. I firmly believed that God was going to deliver her - that He would deliver us. I had no doubt in my mind that He was going to bless the most difficult decision we ever made in our lives out of trust and faith, and bring her back to us before it got worse. I never thought it would come to this, because I've seen God at work - I've experienced His power, justice, mercy, and grace first hand! I had no doubt she would never go back to such a horrible situation. I had complete faith this nightmare would end before it became a terror. My faith was unshaken by the events, and grew stronger in it. God was going to deliver our family! So, you can see why I had these thoughts about the book of Psalms, and the authors' wishy washy faith.

Well, something I've learned in my walk, following Christ, is that God is always teaching me something. Sometimes the lessons are a lot harder than others to learn....well... a lot of times in my life they have been harder ones. Pain builds character though, right? And, if you get through the pain clinging to the Throne of Grace, you gain wisdom, right? So it's all worth it... just doesn't make it easier. (Note: I keep telling myself these things during this seemingly never-ending nightmare)

Things didn't stop there. Things didn't go the way I thought and believed they would. After months and months of constant faith and non-stop pain and agony, my faith grew weary. I became worn down, weak, and tired of seeing nothing happen when I firmly believed without any doubt that it would happen. I became broken...worse yet, shattered into billions and billions of pieces. My heart had been broken, those pieces taken and shattered, then those pieces taken and shattered again, and the cycle hasn't stopped yet. I am 100% broken. I am broken to a point that doesn't feel repairable. I feel so damaged. I am afraid to accept any other children into our home, because I don't think I'm capable of ever loving or bonding with a child like I did with her....ever again. I am broken to the extreme of brokenness.

After a full year of one disaster after the next, I am to the same point the authors were in Psalms. I have caught myself over and over these past few months crying out, "GOD, why have you for..." Then I stop and remember what I said about the authors of Psalms and got so frustrated about with them. Then immediately my cry stops dead in it's tracks and becomes, "God, why have You for... Please forgive me God! Oh God have mercy! Please forgive my lack of understanding, my frustrations, my doubt, my weakness. You have never forsaken me. I am not forgotten. You are in control. Even though I can't see it right now, You do! Forgive me. Have mercy!"

I cry out for God's justice. I cry out for His mercy. I cry out for His wisdom, guidance, strength, and hope. I cry out day and night!

To anyone out there who does not know Jesus Christ, God's one and only Son, and has not accepted Him into your life. To anyone who has never invited the Holy Spirit to come in and take over your life... I don't know how you survive. I don't know how you live. In this agony and what seems to be a never-ending nightmare, my only hope and peace are in Jesus' Name.

We are not forgotten. She is not forgotten. God will rescue her. He will deliver our family. I know this, because I know my Creator. He gave us promise after promise in His Word and to our hearts that if we ask it in HIS NAME, IT WILL BE DONE, that the Father will be glorified through His Son. HE WILL DO IT. God has won this battle already.

He said to wait, and so a year later, we are still waiting. Is this self-righteous? No. This is honestly and shamefully admitting my brokenness, weakness, and weariness. But, at the same time, admitting and remembering God is in control. He not only is fulfilling His promises, but picking up each minuscule piece of my heart and reshaping it into something new and beautiful. Even though I remember how happy and beautiful I felt in Christ with my daughter in my arms, I don't want to go back; I want to move on. I want to go beyond where I was and become something new. God is making me brand new, and when all the pieces are in place, He will not only heal this broken heart and fulfill His promises, but will turn this disgusting situation into something so beautiful that all will see His radiant glory blazing through our lives.

Call me a fool for believing, after all of this mess, that God is going to answer our cries for justice and mercy...totally fine with me! I still believe.

"If you ask anything in My Name, I will do it, that the Father will be glorified through His Son. Again, if you ask anything in My Name, I will do it."

"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart."

"And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? I tell you, he will see that they get justice, and quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?"

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."

"Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."

"...To give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness"

  The Unlovable

      You know, being a foster parent is extremely difficult in many ways... in fact, more ways than I could ever share on a blog.

       One of the struggles as a foster parent is dealing with the biological parents who have hurt or continue to hurt your kids. Many people think that we should hate the biological parents, especially when we receive a child who has been beaten black and blue or almost killed by them. I am often asked how I can stand even looking at them, after knowing what they did to my children. You know, at first, I struggled with that. I would try to put myself in their shoes, but it was very difficult. And yes, I often times had to deal with anger toward the families for what they did to these children I had come to love. God always dealt with me on that, and would give me the love and grace to forgive them, but it was always hard to go beyond that and truly love them. I prayed for them, but it was a very quick and probably not very earnest prayer.

     Through our experiences and losses in foster care, God has given me more love and compassion for these biological parents. I now understand what will give them comfort while their children are staying with us, and do everything I can to give them that comfort. I feel sorry for those who were raised in this horrible system themselves, as a result had horrible lives, and now their kids do too. Not all, but a lot of the children in our system are "repeats." Their parents were raised in foster care, and now they are in it too.

     It's really hard when you know for a fact that some of the parents are guilty, but they don't want to admit it, because they cannot love or forgive themselves for the shameful things they've done. They can't bear the thought of someone else knowing what they've really done. And, you just want to tell them, you know what they've done, you love them anyway, don't hold it against them, and are not judging them - you're not their enemy and they aren't yours. It's so hard when they are screaming out through their eyes and actions that they are unlovable even to themselves, and you are aching to minister to them, just love them, and cry with them, but you can't.

(Note: I'm not forgetting they often convince themselves they won't make the same mistake again, just as we all do ourselves with our mistakes, and therefore plead not guilty to get their kids back, only to repeat the same mistakes again. Or that some just don't view what they did as wrong, which is sad in and of itself.)

       We have all made mistakes; we have all committed unforgivable sins in our own eyes. But, our Maker gives us His Love and Grace freely, forgives us, and, better yet, cleanses us as though we never messed up at all - all we have to do is ask. And through His loving grace given to us, we have the ability to forgive and love others and show them the same grace God has given to us. But what about those times we are not allowed to tell them that?

     I really struggle with this right now. I hold such a burden in my heart for these people who just can't admit their guilt, and therefore, I'm not allowed to share this love and grace with them. It is so hard, because they themselves are victims, and I long and ache to just love them, cry with them, and show them forgiveness from someone who, in their eyes and others' eyes, should hate them. I want to show them the Loving Grace that Jesus Christ has shown to me. I want them to be freed from this just as much as I want their children to be freed from this cold harsh system that tears them apart. I want them to be free.

     These experiences have reminded me of God's love for us. In so many ways, this is how it works in our relationship with Christ. His love is there. He loves us. He died for us. He concurred death for us. He gave everything for us when He didn't need us, we needed Him. His love is there, His forgiveness is right there all along. We just have to be willing to admit that we need that forgiveness - that we need that love. We need to be able and willing to confess that we need it first in order to receive it. How agonizing it must be for Him to have more love than we could ever imagine along with the power to forgive us, heal us, and set us free, all the while, we reject that love and forgiveness, because we are too ashamed, too prideful, too caught up in covering up, and too afraid to let go, to just admit we need it. How He must ache for us!

    So yes, it is very hard for me to talk with the biological parents, but not for the reasons you may think. Yes, meeting them for the first time is a terrifying thing, having to see them over and over can be terrifying too, and seeing the condition these kids are in is traumatizing and something you never forget or learn to be ok with, but I am not angry with them for it. I AM angry with the one who makes this world as sick as it is. If anything, being a foster parent has made me hate the devil more and more every day. I praise God the enemy is defeated, and I long for the day when Jesus returns and God says, "NO MORE!"

Where You're Told You Just Shouldn't Go

It's time to do some more late-night writing. Here are a couple Scriptures that I read today along with other verses I've read the past few days. (It's amazing how God reveals new things to you each time you read His Word)

"¹⁵ To the pure, all things are pure, but to those who are corrupted and do not believe, nothing is pure. In fact, both their minds and consciences are corrupted. ¹⁶ They claim to know God, but by their actions they deny him. They are detestable, disobedient and unfit for doing anything good.^"   Titus 1:15-16

I've got to say, I have a hard time with these verses...not because of what they say so much, but because of what I've been taught by churches all my life (and didn't understand until I was an adult). We are often taught, as Christians, not to judge others. This comes from the Scripture, Judge not lest ye be judged... But, that Scripture, if you read the entire context, is talking about hypocrisy. It is saying, "Hey, don't judge others when you yourself are doing the same thing (maybe secretly, but still the same!) or you will be judged too...only worse because you were judging them for the exact same things!" Since those are my words and not the Bible's, here is what the Scripture in Matthew actually says:

" ¹ “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. ² For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

   ³ “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? ⁴ How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? ⁵ You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye." Matthew 7:1-5

Now, that being said...the Scripture in Titus is convicting to read anyway (along with other similar ones in other books), but if I know people who match this sad description, and need to be corrected gently to change, what then? We've been taught so much by the out-of-context verse about not judging others, even though Jesus Himself said we would know Him by His fruits, that it's easy not to say anything out of fear we will be accused of being judgmental...  And there are even harder verses that tell us we need to correct them gently, and sometimes even stop associating with them that they will be convicted...this is hard stuff! Especially today, when this kind of thing is SO common!

So here it is....Do you claim to be a Christian? If so, have you read Jesus' teachings, and follow them? There's a lot there... 
See, becoming a "Christian," "getting saved," or becoming a "Christ follower" starts with believing, accepting, cleansing, repenting, and following. 

Believing isn't enough by itself...
"Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by my deeds. ¹⁹ You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that—and shudder.²⁰ You foolish person, do you want evidence that faith without deeds is useless?" James 2:18b-20 (read that whole thing, it's good!)
 The Bible is quite clear about that...it also covers good deeds without faith and how useless that is.

There's a point that believing also needs to become accepting... this is the point that most churches call the Sinner's Prayer. It is acknowledging that God is GOD, Jesus is the Son of God, He died for you and to cleanse you of your sins, and rose again, then accepting Him as your Savior, confessing your sins and that you are a sinner who deserves hell, asking for forgiveness and cleansing, and inviting the Holy Spirit to come in and take over.

A lot of people think it ends there, but it doesn't, that is just the beginning of it all. Then comes the repenting part.... The following is Webster's definition of repent: "To turn from sin and dedicate oneself to the amendment of one's life. 2. a : to feel regret or contrition b : to change one's mind..." You regret and you CHANGE. Turn away from ungodliness and become pure...

"¹ Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. ² Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. ³ For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. ⁴ When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.⁵ Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. ⁶ Because of these, the wrath of God is coming. ⁷ You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. ⁸ But now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. ⁹ Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices ¹⁰ and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. ¹¹ Here there is no Gentile or Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free, but Christ is all, and is in all.¹² Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. ¹³ Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. ¹⁴ And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity." Colossians 3: 1-14

Finally, follow Christ's example daily, not because you HAVE TO DO IT, but because you are in love with Christ and WANT to do it. "11 For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. ¹² It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, ¹³ while we wait for the blessed hope—the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, ¹⁴ who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good." Titus 2:11-14

If this is you, then go ahead and call yourself a Christian, saved, or Christ follower. Otherwise, you bring judgement on yourself by claiming to know God, while denying Him by your actions, and make yourself even more guilty by leading others astray in the process. I pray God will open your eyes, ears, mind, and heart.... THERE IS SO MUCH MORE. God IS alive and IS active; He sees you, knows you, and you CANNOT hide from him....not even your deepest secrets and thoughts can be hidden from God. He knows.

From a Foster Momma's Heart to Yours

I have had some time to do some deep thinking about some things, and recent happenings have made me think about it more.

I was trying to think of a way to describe to a biological parent, how it feels to be a foster parent in a way they could understand. A lot of times I get questions of, "Does it feel the same as it would if they were your child?" "Do you think it's different for a biological parent?" "I don't know if I could ever love that child as much as I love my own...do you?" etc. I have a hard time with letting people know how I feel (I'm not a feelings kind of person anyway) about my foster children...especially since I'm open to adoption. I finally came up with something that could describe it...and forgive me if this is too much for you to take. Being a foster parent is like... think of your baby, your child, your little girl or little boy...how much do you love them? I would hope you would say you love them more than you could ever begin to describe, which is how I feel. Now, imagine your child is playing on a railroad track and there is a train coming. You would gladly throw yourself in front of that train to push the child out of the way, knowing it could very well kill you in the process.....but you're tied down and can't do that.

Painful image, but I think it gets the point across. That is seriously the best way I can describe the difference between good biological parents and good foster parents (note the good ones).

A while back there was an article going around facebook. All the moms were liking it and saying how relieved they were to read it. I read it, but didn't know what I thought about it... It was an article from a mom who was stopped in a store and told to cherish every minute of being a parent. It then went on to say things about how it is ok not to love and cherish every minute of it, and quite frankly is normal not to do so. (Please understand, I'm really not bashing on this article.) Although I agree that in most cases, it is sadly true that we don't love and cherish every minute as parents, I can't say it is ok or that it should be normal. In fact, I think it should be abnormal. We all have our moments, but seriously, let's think about this.

At the beginning of my foster parenting, I had a lot of those minutes of totally not cherishing and loving it...when a baby is going crazy and you just want a minute of sleep, it can be tough. But something changed that for me. We lost one...we lost one to a very horrible and terrifying situation...we had to watch that train hit while being tied down. Something changed in me when that happened. Something that I wish had changed before that. The reality of being a foster parent set in. I realized that at any moment, any minute, my precious foster children could easily be taken away in that very same way, and I would have to watch that train hit all over again. It was at that time, I changed.

Every second, every minute, every hour, every day I have with these children is a HUGE, beyond belief blessing from God. And EVERY SINGLE MINUTE is something to be cherished forever. It is a gift. And at any minute, it can be taken away from me forever.

Since then, even in the crazy times, even in the middle of the night when they just won't sleep, even when you have a million things to do and they just want YOU, I love it. When I catch myself starting to grumble or feel frustrated, I remember reality, and I give them a big hug and kiss and thank God for every minute of it. I thank God for every minute I have with them.

Biological parents, please understand... Your child CAN be taken from you at any minute too. This life is no guarantee for you or for your children. I watch as I see parents take it for granted that their children ARE theirs and nothing can change that....but forgetting that we have no control over time, life, or what happens. Love your children EVERY MINUTE, love EVERY MINUTE with your children no matter what, and cherish every second you have on this earth with them, because it is a gift from God.
(Note: do not move on to the next section if you need time to think about this.)

From One Spouse to Another

Now to the part that hits the hardest for me right now... love your spouse, love every minute with your spouse, and cherish every second you have on this earth with them, because it is a gift from God. I am now learning and pray changing in this part as well. It is easy to take your spouse for granted, and it is true that the ones you love the most and are around the most are also the ones you can hurt the most and treat the worst. But the cold hard fact of this life is that it is not guaranteed to last here on this earth for very long...not even another minute is guaranteed on this earth. Do you treat your spouse in a way that if tomorrow they are gone, you would have no regrets? Do you treat them in a way that if tomorrow you are gone, they would have no regrets? It saddens me to think of my answer to these questions. I am praying and working today to change this now.

(Note: again, do not move on to the next section if you need time to think about this.)

From One Christ Follower to Another

Take it even further... love everyone in your life, love every minute with everyone in your life, and cherish every second you have on this earth with them, because it is a gift from God. As believers and followers of Jesus Christ, we are called to love one another...love our neighbor as ourselves, love everyone around us, love everyone not around us...LOVE. "...The greatest of these is love..." We are to blaze Christ's Love to everyone. Love everyone in your life, love every minute with everyone in your life, and cherish every second you have on this earth with them, because it is a gift and opportunity from God. (Remember Matthew 25:31-46 & 1 Corinthians 13)


Note: I separated these three thoughts because I don't want them to blur together and take the seriousness and need for change out of each one of them. I even considered making them separate posts. Please try not to blur them together.


Sources: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/glennon-melton/dont-carpe-diem_b_1206346.html; www.biblegateway.com

The Pacifier

With Jason and I being foster parents, I have come to notice something I never thought of before. When a baby is hungry and crying, you give them a pacifier to calm them down until you can get a bottle to them. Quite simple really...it works like a drug. Very soothing, relaxing, and instantly makes the baby mostly satisfied. But what happens when you have to take the pacifier away? The baby tosses and turns its head to get you away from taking that pacifier from it. It then sucks as hard as possible to resist you pulling it from the mouth. And when you finally get it out of the baby's mouth, it seems to put its hand in there and start sucking insanely right away. Then when you try to remove the baby's hand from its mouth, the stubborn ones get angry and start flapping the fists around. What the baby doesn't realize, is that you are trying to take the pacifier away to actually give it the bottle.

This bottle is full of milk/formula this baby needs to survive, is craving, and starving for, but the baby still insists on resisting it until the pacifier AND the hands are removed from the mouth, the nipple of the bottle is put up to the lips, and then, BOOM! The eyes get big as though saying, "OH YES! This is what I want, I'm STARVING!" The baby immediately starts sucking like mad and drinking down the formula to quench the thirst and fill the stomach.

While trying to take the pacifier away, I am always reminding the baby, "You're gonna have to let go of that thing in order to get the real thing..." (Of course, I know full well the poor child has no clue what I am babbling on about while trying to take the pacifier away and give it the bottle, but that is beside the point.)

Now, to most of us, this is quite simple, silly of me to even mention, and seems to be an odd choice of topic for a blog. I thought the same thing, but in my sleepy nights of feeding children, I sit there watching this struggle between the pacifier, hands, and bottle, and think, "There must be a good example here..." Of course, in my tired state, usually I just decide, "I'm sure there is one, but I just can't think of it." : ) Any parents know what I'm talking about! : )

I must be catching up on sleep or something, because it FINALLY hit me! This is like life. Especially in the spiritual sense, but could be used in other ways too...give me a break, I'm still sleep deprived!

We often times fill our lives with things or pleasures that only will make us feel good for a little while, but have a really hard time letting go of those things to finally receive what we actually need. In one sense, we can go through life trying to fill our emptiness with jobs, lies, drugs, alcohol, sex, money, "stability," things, etc... But the emptiness somehow keeps growing; the inner hunger persists, and the thirst cannot be quenched. So what do we do??? We start grabbing for something else that will satisfy our empty longing and loneliness. This repeats over and over again, when all we really need is a Savior. We know the Savior is the only one who can quench that thirst and fill the hunger, but we keep resisting and grabbing and reaching for something else to satisfy us temporarily.

In another sense, what about those of us who already know the Savior? It again can be any of the above things (jobs, lies, things, stability, etc.). Maybe it is that God is calling us to something bigger and greater, but a lot more insecure, unstable, and quite frankly, scary, but we are clinging to that stability and comfort of where we already are. Maybe it is something more simple, like going to church on Sunday is fine, but stepping up to the plate, reading our Bibles everyday and doing devotionals, spending time with God one on one daily, serving and loving others the way we should throughout the week, etc. is a whole different story! It would cause us to get uncomfortable for a while, and would make us have to STOP clinging to these other things.

We cling to staying busy, our daily routines, our wonderful little comfort zones, sitting in judgment or shame while looking at this sinful world, but doing nothing about it. WE KNOW that GOD IS OUR BREAD OF LIFE and OUR LIFE GIVING WATER! He is the only One Who can quench the thirst, fill the hunger, and take away the loneliness, and we know that better than anyone because we've experienced Him and His Loving Grace...But yet we STILL cling to the other things, and don't do what we know we should! We stay in our comfort zones.

We often times find ourselves holding onto the pacifier, and when that pacifier is removed, we tend to immediately put our hands up and try to make it on our own, but what we really need is that bottle...we need God, we need the Savior, and we need to follow, love, and serve Him with every second of every day of our lives; not just once a week, a couple times a week, or a few minutes a day, but EVERY SECOND OF EVERY SINGLE DAY. God is pulling us and telling us, "You're gonna have to let go of that thing in order for Me to give you the real thing..."

I find it interesting that as the baby gets older, it starts recognizing what is going to happen. It still fusses and cries over the pacifier being taken away, but once that bottle starts coming, it knows to back down and take what it really needs...the bottle! As Christians, this is also true. The more we do what God is calling us to do, and the more we obey what He has taught us to do, the more we are able to recognize it. We still fuss and cry over that pacifier or comfort being taken from us, but we actually recognize the bottle as it's coming, and finally realize what's happening or about to happen....and eventually we even move up to the solid foods, imagine that!

I am writing this because it is convicting to me... I am one of those Christians clinging to stability and afraid to leave my comfort zone and step out to do all I have been called to do. Yeah, I'm doing some of it, but not all. Do I risk looking stupid to others by stepping out of my comfort zone and doing what I've been called to do? I have a ton of conviction about things I should be doing, but am I willing to let go of my pacifier of comfort long enough to experience what is in that bottle? See, I'm not preaching, I'm being convicted myself, as I pray you are. Being a follower of Christ is hard work, but worth EVERY second of it. God always blesses and always provides, and He offers opportunities at every corner for us to grow and change.

What is the pacifier in your life? God is calling you and telling you it is time to let go of that thing, so He can give you the real thing.

"For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate." Romans 7:15 ESV

"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last, but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like someone running aimlessly; I do not fight like a boxer beating the air. No, I strike a blow to my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize." 1 Corinthians 9:24-27 NIV