A Glimpse Into the Lives of Foster/Adoptive Parents
(To Aid Friends and Family in Understanding)

Life as a foster parent is messy. It is complicated. It is overwhelming, and often draining. It is also beautiful. I'm going to be as honest as possible, while writing this in a way that non-foster parents will understand. I think as foster parents, we tend to shut down, give people what they want to hear, only speak about the positives, and accept that most just will never understand us, or our kids. So, let me be honest for a moment and show you a glimpse of what we deal with when we have high needs children in our homes.

Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) - RAD is caused in those early years when a child is supposed to be developing healthy bonds and attachments. Those healthy loving connections help the child's brain and body to develop properly. But, when a child is neglected and abused, moved around from place to place, etc. that loving attachment is never properly formed. This disorder is formed in those early developmental years of trauma, and affects them for the rest of their lives. It makes them unable to form solid, healthy, loving relationships and attachments when they are brought out of those situations and into good loving homes. It is a very painful and frustrating disorder to work with at times, and a lot of foster children have it. Here are some examples that can happen due to this disorder (but note, every child is different and have different levels of this disorder. It can be much worse, or not as bad):


1. Jill has been moved from foster home to foster home because she never could form attachments, and always acted out severely at random. Her previous foster homes complained about her disobedience when told to hurry up, get ready to go, put her dishes away, etc. She would refuse to cooperate, and then act out severely after being redirected. Her new foster family knows about RAD and what it can look like. They learned about some of her past, and realize her brain is just "misfiring" at points. She spaces out when told to do something, which often is confused with disobedience. When she struggles and spaces out like that, they know to gently bring her back and remind her of what she was doing, rather than acting like she was being disobedient and punishing her (which would trigger the severe behaviors). Although they understand her behaviors, it doesn't make it easy. Her inability to bond with them makes the other things she struggles with that much harder to help heal.

2. Sandy is in her second foster home. She was removed from the other home because she always felt threatened and in need to compete with other children for attention. That feeling of competition drives her to become violent with other children at times. Her new foster home creates healthy boundaries, rules, schedules, routines, therapies, and every help they can possibly get for her, but, although there is some improvement, she continues to act out. The foster parents are desperate for more help and support, but it just isn't there. They struggle daily to help Sandy make it through the day without having a meltdown.

3. Freddie is a sweet little boy who has been in and out of foster care several times in his short life. He attaches and latches onto every stranger, teacher, friend of the family, and even extended family members, but he pushes away from his adoptive parents and siblings. He never attaches to them or bonds with them, yet is so clingy, needy, and attached to complete strangers. This hurts his adoptive family. They weren't told about this disorder, and struggle to understand why he can attach and latch onto everyone except them. At points he even tries to make others think his adoptive family is bad, just so he can get that extra attention and affection from the people who do not really know him.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) - It is common for children who have been removed from severely abusive homes to have PTSD. Some is caused from sexual abuse, some from physical abuse, some from severe neglect at crucial moments, etc. The complicated thing about PTSD in children and even toddlers is that there are different things that trigger their memories, and can cause them to have different reactions. A lot of times these are misunderstood as just bad behavior, depression, attention problems, etc. And often it is really hard to figure out what all triggers them. PTSD is treatable with a good therapy program and lots of time, patience, love, and support. Here are a few examples of situations foster parents face with children struggling with PTSD (and again, every child is different and has different levels of this disorder):

1. Billy was beaten every time he wouldn't take a nap, if he wet his pants, or when he spilled something or made a mess, etc. Billy's foster parents don't know everything that happened to him, they just know that he was removed for abuse. They can't figure out why every time he drops something, he immediately freezes, stares off into nothing, won't respond, won't move, and won't do anything at all. He completely shuts down. The foster parents struggle to understand why this keeps happening. When they ask him to go potty, he just stands there and pees all over the floor and himself, motionless. It takes several minutes to finally get him to acknowledge them. When he "snaps out of it," and is asked why he did it, he just starts crying uncontrollably for long lengths of time. Every time they try to give him a nap or tuck him in at night, he just starts shaking, can't move, and is unable to communicate. Although they get the help he needs, they struggle because this is a multiple-times-a-day situation.

2. Samantha was severely neglected and forced to starve for days on end. When she needed her mom the most, she was never there. If she fell down and got hurt, she would be left to cry and bleed on her own. She knew not to go to her mom for help, because she would just be beaten for bothering her. Every time Samantha gets hurt or feels hungry at all, she is reminded of what happened to her, and she is triggered. She starts crying and screaming uncontrollably for hours and hours, and because it is something like getting a scratch, a little bump, or even just feeling a little hungry before meal or snack time, the foster parents struggle to understand what her triggers are and why she is acting out like this. The screaming is deafening, and the foster parents are unable to ease her mind during these episodes, so they just endure the screaming and crying for hours upon hours a day, often multiple times a week, while seeking the treatment she needs.

3. Bob was beaten every time he asked a question, every time he asked for help, and every time he did anything bad. His new foster home is working hard to reassure him he is safe now and they will never hurt him, but when something reminds him of what he went through before, all the reassuring in the world seems useless. He becomes violent, breaks everything in his path, starts yelling, cussing, screaming, and is no longer the loving sweet boy he was just minutes ago. His episodes can last for hours. It is like he becomes someone else every time he is triggered. No one understands what the foster parents are going through at home with him, because he is such a sweet boy most of the time. So, the foster parents have no support and no one to listen and understand their struggles. They feel alone, while trying everything to help this sweet boy heal.

Genetic Mental Illnesses - Often children are in foster care because their biological parents have mental illnesses that cause them to be abusive, neglectful, drug addicts, alcoholics, and often criminals. When a foster child comes into the system, they are not evaluated for any form of illnesses or disorders. They are just given a physical exam by a pediatrician if removed during the day, or, if removed at night, get a physical exam done one to two days later when the foster parents can get them into a doctor. There really is no way for a foster parent to know what they are dealing with until things start happening. And even then, the process of figuring out, is it PTSD, RAD, attention seeking, testing phases, different levels of trauma, or a mental illness of some kind takes time. It is a long process that can often take years to figure out. Here are a few examples of mental illnesses and what foster parents face (again, every child is different, there are multiple kinds of mental illnesses, and there is no way to make someone fully understand what they all look like to any degree):

1. Laura seems to have a lot of the typical issues foster children face. She has RAD, a mild form of PTSD, and is high needs in a few areas of development. She often seems like a normal healthy girl, but what people don't know is that she randomly becomes angry, self harming, and like a whole different person at home. There are some days she is extremely happy, other days she cuts herself and won't get out of bed all day long, and other days where she just seems angry at everyone and everything, making everyone around her as miserable as possible. Her adoptive parents have given her all of the therapies offered, but now have to get a psychiatrist involved. They are exhausted, worried, stressed, and fearful of what will happen to her and to their other kids in this long process of diagnosis and treatment.

2. Joe seems to struggle with making good choices. At first his adoptive parents thought it was RAD causing these behaviors, but something about it seemed extra troubling. He laughed when his friend's dad died, and seems happy at others' pain. If others are happy, he tries to sabotage it. He has no regard for others' feelings, and constantly seeks power and control over everyone. He always seems to think he deserves better than anything people can give him, and feels sorry for himself at all times. He steals, lies, manipulates, beats animals and other children at random, and tries to hurt his adoptive family without hesitating. His adoptive parents try everything and nothing changes. The adoptive parents seek out new help in psychiatry. The parents feel alone and isolated in these struggles that no one seems to understand.

3. Jenny's past made her foster parents believe her behaviors were PTSD related. They thought she was being triggered by things that brought up memories, and they got her all the counseling they could to help her through it. She continues to get worse. Her triggers are becoming more random than before. She is out of control most of the time. She gets violent and screams, sometimes all throughout the night and into the next day. They begin to realize it is more than PTSD. The foster parents are drained, worn out, exhausted, and realize it is time to seek psychiatric help.

Food - Food in and of itself can often be a major problem for foster/adoptive children. Some were starved, some were taught by drug-addict parents to purge themselves, some view food as security. Here are a few examples of food issues kids can face:

1. Kevin was starved and neglected before found and brought into his current foster home. Although Sam sees that the foster family has lots of food always available to him, he struggles to understand that he will never go hungry again. He overeats during meals and asks for snacks constantly. At school and the babysitter's house, he lies to everyone saying they starve him at home, or that he didn't get to eat a meal that day, or is really hungry to get more food. At home there are safe food rules in place to help him through his trauma and food issues, but others don't understand and just want to help make him feel better. Some shake their heads at the foster parents, thinking they underfeed or don't feed him at all. These people make Kevin's problems worse.

2. Betty understood what it meant to go hungry and without for days and days while her parents were gone. She knew that when they brought food home, she'd have to sneak it into her room and save some for the days she would go without. In her new home, she is in therapy and learning that she never has to worry about going hungry again. She struggles to understand it. She stashes the food in her closet, dresser, under her bed, in her locker at school, etc. She does this to make sure that she is going to be ok if her foster parents let her down.

3. Daniel loves food. He knows what it is like to have plenty, and he knows what it is like to go hungry. Sometimes he sees it as comfort, and other times he just wants to enjoy as much as he can in the moment, without regard to what might happen if he doesn't stop eating. His adoptive family works with him on this issue, but he still randomly eats so much that he randomly vomits all over everything. His adoptive family is trying to teach him about healthy portions, and that he can enjoy more later if he waits. Others think the adoptive parents are cruel to limit his food intake, so they sneak more food to him, not understanding the situation. This interferes with his treatment plan.

These are some examples of issues foster/adoptive parents face on a regular basis. Again, these stories are made up and not real, but based on real situations families face to aid understanding. Please remember that foster/adoptive parents are dealing with far more than they ever let on, far more than you ever see or hear, and far more than most could imagine going through. Foster parents also have added stresses of appointments, regular inspections, visits, and all the other requirements on top of caring for their precious children. They need your understanding, support, friendship, prayers,  love, and encouragement.

Foster parents also need to know that you will still be there for them if they realize they can't do it anymore and have to let a child go. There is so much guilt, loss, fear, sadness, and a sense of failure that goes into a foster parent having to make that tough decision to let go of a child for their family's health and safety. Please do not leave them alone in that struggle.

Foster parents need your love and support while children are in their homes, and when the children are gone. They truly love their foster children, so please respect that. Support them, lift them up. Remember, they are doing something for this world that most others would never do. They are putting aside all of their own wants and needs, and giving everything they've got and more to the children who come into their homes and lives. They take in complete strangers and make them family. They give these kids a second, third, fourth chance. They love them. They cherish them. They would do anything for them. They deserve your respect and support.

Physical, Emotional, and Spiritual Health
Of a Foster Parent
(The Painful Truth)

There I was, a foster parent for almost 5 years, stay-at-home mom for 4 1/2 years, loving and caring for our precious medically fragile child. Things have not always been great as a foster parent, in fact there have been far more hard times than good. I have not healed and will never feel completely moved on from our other precious children we have lost to some terrifying situations. But, this was different. After almost giving up and quitting the foster parenting scene, I finally had a glimpse of good, a glimpse of happiness for the first time in years. Holding our sweet little one, and watching her adorable personality develop is like a little ray of sunshine in this dark world my eyes have been opened to since starting foster care. It is a breath of fresh air. Life.

Fear - With finding the ability to love so deeply again and that sweet ray of sunshine came fear - fear of loss, fear of watching the same outcome I've seen so many times, fear of what this precious child would endure if the system failed like so many times before, fear of what that would do to this sweet child, and honestly, fear of what that would do to me to see it happen again. You can tell me I'm wrong to have fear, but if you fully understood how many children we've lost to bad situations, while praying in full faith and belief that God would rescue them, you wouldn't be so quick to judge.

Guilt - Guilty that I was needing to let go and be able to allow myself to move on with life apart from my other children. Holding on with what little pieces I had left. All the while, holding on was killing me inside and out. So much guilt for that need to be released from the waiting, the pain, and the unknown.

With fear, guilt, and a lack of control over anything that happens, comes stress. Stress that is an unnecessary evil to add to the already stressful life of foster care, let alone caring for a medically fragile infant.

Stress - Let's talk about the stress. Every mother understands the stresses involved with parenting (along with the guilt of feeling stressed out over the most precious little people in your life), but foster parenting comes with a whole different level of stress. An unnatural stress. Typical parenting stress is natural, though often a lot to handle, still natural. Fostering comes with the unnatural levels of stress that go far beyond regular parenting stresses. Keeping your house perfectly presentable at all times for random home inspections on top of the multiple "home visits" you have a month; taking your kids to visits with their biological parents (which presents a whole new form of all kinds of emotions and stress I will not go into); all of the appointments required for foster kids; the extra amount of care, attention, and emotional availability foster children so desperately need at all times; the constant filing, paperwork, journals, phone calls (so many phone calls every single day), court hearings, etc. These are all things added on top of the normal parenting. Add to that all the extra care and appointments needed for a medically fragile child (which really is a pure joy too). 

Sleep - Everyone knows there is a lack of sleep with infants in the house, but when that infant is medically fragile, that means a lot less sleep. And although I am blessed with an amazing husband who was taking turns with me at night/early morning, I was exhausted all the time. 

Over time, the emotional and physical exhaustion just becomes your norm, and although you are aware of it, you can feel almost incapable of doing anything to stop it. It is so easy, as a foster parent, to lose yourself.

I continued to put everyone else and everything else above my own needs. I knew I was having some pretty serious physical issues, but I chose to ignore them to focus solely on my husband and kids. I forgot all I knew about taking time for myself, and gave every piece of my attention and energy to everyone else. Slowly, but surely, I began to give into the feeling that I had no control and there was nothing I could do, but to continue giving what little I had left to give.

I was wrong. My wake up call came when I finally went to the doctor to address my physical pain and fatigue. While there, I found myself admitting to just how out of control my life had gotten. My diet, my health, my exercise, my alone time, my spiritual life. Everything in my life was out of control to keep everyone else' lives in order.  I burst into tears in the middle of my doctor's office while shamefully admitting my pathetic state. I was so embarrassed and felt like a complete mess. She gave me no more than 3 months to get myself back on track, so we could figure out which health issues were related to stress, and which ones were not. She gave me some guidelines which included changing my diet, daily exercise, 1 hour of "me time" at least 3x/wk, and personal care changes (including attending physical therapy, chiropractic care, etc.). I agreed to everything she suggested, and we set up a follow-up appointment to make sure I stayed on track.

I came home, and shamefully admitted to my husband that I had burst into tears at the doctor's office, explained why, and told him all the new things I would have to do over the next few months. Being the great husband that he is, he agreed to help me work on everything. I started a daily health journal, and worked on improving my physical, emotional, and spiritual health.

Everything was helping a little, but the weight I felt from holding onto the past and not being able to let go became more obvious. The hidden, unspoken cause of so much stress and guilt was about our previous children we had lost. I realized I had to be able to move on, but in order to do that, my husband needed to be willing to let go too. We were almost holding each other down in our grief and agony. In every single decision, move, thought, everything was decided and guided by the possibility that our previous children might come back to us. Everything in our world was revolving around not being able to move on. When there is no closure, it is impossible to really say goodbye and move on with life. But, we had to let ourselves find a way to move on without the closure. We had to let go of the "What if."

Finally, during one of our evening walks together, I gathered the courage to finally say it. As my husband again said something about the "What if" and making another decision based on that, I blurted out that I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't constantly be thinking about the what if anymore. I needed to live...really live, and I couldn't unless allowed to move on and stop asking and basing every single decision on the "What if" and the kids we no longer had. I felt like the lowest of lows admitting this. I felt like I was betraying my precious kids I loved with everything in me and more. After a series of events, my husband agreed with me. For the first time in years, we started making decisions without asking, "What if." We finally are able to live in the now.

It wasn't until being able to move on from what was and who/what we've lost, and being able to just focus on our current children and our current lives, that I finally felt the extra stress start to lift. My diet changes, life changes, and ability to move on changed everything and made the typical foster care stresses more manageable again. And as our cases come to a close, the stress lifts more and more. I cannot say all of my health issues were caused by the stress, they weren't, but relieving that stress and remembering to take care of myself again has made a huge impact.

Foster parents, learn from my mistakes. Don't get lost in the mess of things. Remember to take care of your own physical, emotional, and spiritual needs.

To the Traumatized Foster Parent
You Are Not Alone

You know who you are. You can feel it in the depths of your being. You ache. You agonize. You see the images of the mangled faces and bodies of the children you've cared for. You repeat their cases over and over in your head wondering if there was something else you could have done to stop them from going back to their abusers. You constantly think, "What if?" When people tell you how hard it must be and that they couldn't handle it, you are angered that they think for some reason you can and that is why you do this. Anytime anyone asks you about the children you've cared for in the past, you see those images again - the images of those blood-filled eyes, the black and blue hand prints around their necks, the burns around their legs, ...... the images you can never share with others that you have seen - and while holding back the tears, you give a brief distant answer making them feel like you've shared a lot. When you see a child in the store who reminds you of your sweet foster child, the tears creep up on you, then the memories, and you have to force yourself to look away.

The images...If only you could get those images out of your mind! The reason you dressed your foster child in long sleeves and pants in the middle of summer, or wouldn't let your friends or family see them for the first week or two - you were protecting them from what you've seen, and protecting the child from being looked at with pity, disbelief, or dismay. The reason you weren't allowed to let your child look in the mirror for weeks on end. The reason you weren't allowed to take them out in public unless to go to the hospital or doctor's office for rechecks and more tests. The reason that nurse or doctor quit their job because they saw what you saw and couldn't handle risking seeing that again.

And these innocent little ones went back to their abusers because someone didn't do their job, someone lied, someone didn't care, someone withheld information they didn't think the judge needed to hear, someone decided they weren't paid enough to even try. They are gone, yet still living on in the abuse you once thought you saved them from.

You have to live with those images worse than any abuse case they show on the news. You live with the memories of that child's healing process in your care. How they came to life in your home. How they called you mommy or daddy immediately, and were so happy to hear they didn't have to go back to their old mommy or daddy who did this to them. How many times you held that child while they went into a PTSD or RAD attack hurting you or even themselves, peeing on you, and spitting in your face. The progress they made while discovering you would love them unconditionally, you wouldn't hurt them, you wouldn't give up, and you weren't going anywhere. Then that horrible nightmare of a memory of having to watch as they were sent back. They thought it was their fault. You tried and tried to tell them it wasn't their fault, but they still think it was. They thought you didn't want them, or they were just too bad for you, and although you told them over and over again that isn't true, they begin to believe the lie over time as they move back into their old lives filled with abuse, neglect, and hurt.

You've lost friends and family because of them not understanding what you've seen, what you've protected them from seeing, what you've gone through, or just how much you agonize for your children daily. You wore out your few close friends who stood by you, because you cried so much for so long and just couldn't think or talk about anything else for such a long time. You saw how they were exhausted and trying to hang in there with you, and you felt horrible. You were always the one there for everyone else, and now you were the one relying on any listening ear hoping to somehow feel even just a bit of relief, have a bit of good advice to pull through this, to just....you didn't even know. So you tried to give your friends a break by talking to other people who you knew didn't care and could brush it off with a, "Wow, they are messed up!" Then you realized that was bad and didn't work anyway, so you decided you should just keep it to yourself. After months go by, everyone thinks you should have moved on and gotten over it by now, but you can't. That assumption and others' cold harsh remarks make you feel isolated in your grieving process, and make you hold back even more.

You try to confide in other foster parents, but find very few of them understand what you are going through. You look around at the foster events and see all the children with easier cases who were allowed to be adopted, and although you are happy for them and relieved they were protected and spared from going back to their abusers, it makes you hurt even more inside. It makes you wonder why. Why not my child? Why couldn't they have been saved from such a horrible life of abuse? You aren't jealous of the other foster parents who had good experiences, but it makes something inside of you just ache - it hurts.

I am not writing this to tell you I have the solution to your heartache, memories, and agonizing pain - I don't. I am writing this to let you know you are not alone. We are the ones who have seen the worst cases. We are the ones who have seen the system fail. We have seen the workers who withhold information from the judges. We have seen what happens when you stand up and speak the truth while everyone else clings to a lie. We have been called names and liars. We have been threatened to shut up, or else. We have received false charges when we refused to be silenced. We have watched as the system we were told to trust failed. You are not alone. We are not alone.

I want you to take comfort in knowing you are not alone. I want you to understand that it is ok to get help. I want you to know that it is ok to admit you can't deal with this system anymore. I want you to know it is ok to seek out peace and have alone time. I want you to know that we are here with you battling that same struggle.

I want you to know that the one peace I have found in all of the agony is the One Who has remained steady and unchanging throughout. The One Who never stops listening to me. The One Who never wears out from me repeating myself over and over and over again and again and again, crying out constantly for help, falling down in His arms curled up in a ball crying, "I can't do this!!!" The One Who never disowns me or leaves me when I shout out that He is to blame and I can't trust Him anymore. The One Who is there as I come crawling back right after saying such horrible things, and as soon as I say, "I'm so sorry," picks me up and wipes the tears from my ashamed face. The One Who has seen all I have seen, feels all I have felt, knows and sees all I cannot....

I have not been healed from this pain and agony. I still see those images constantly. But, I have found peace and joy within it. I have not seen a good outcome yet, but I know God hears my desperate cries for help and is answering them in ways I can't even imagine. I don't have children I can call my own, but I know God has a plan and is holding my children in His arms for me while I wait. I know He is protecting all of my precious foster children and giving them peace through it all, because I've asked Him to do it, and He loves them more than I ever could, or could ever even comprehend. I know He will make beauty from these ashes.

Hope can be agonizing, but without it what do we have?

"Father God, Who has adopted me into Your Family, thank you. Thank you for the peace that passes all understanding that only You can give. Thank you for Your joy inside my heart in the midst of this pain. Thank you for loving me even in my darkest and ugliest moments. Thank you for hearing me and answering my cries even in the ways I don't understand. Please be with my fellow foster parents who are struggling just as I am right now. They are desperate for your peace, comfort, and joy just as I am, God. They are feeling crushed and alone as they ache for their foster children who suffer so much. Please remind them with your gentle loving voice that they are not alone, and that You are beside them every single step of the way. I ask this in the Name of Your One and Only Son, Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior, Amen."

Mother's Day

I always enjoyed mother's day growing up, and even as an adult without children. It was always nice to spend a day recognizing my mom and grandmas, and showering them with love, thanks, cards, and gifts. I never minded not getting the little flower pots handed out at church for the moms, even when I wanted kids of my own. I never minded it, because I still enjoyed celebrating my mom and grandmas, and I looked forward to the day I could celebrate it myself.

My first mother's day as a foster mom was beautiful. We had our sweet little girl we were told we would adopt. Having this beautiful child in my life redefined mother's day for me. It was beautiful, and I was filled with gratitude for the privilege of having this sweet baby in my care. Soon after, we got our adorable son we were told we would adopt too. The weather was even extra hot that spring, so it was totally my kind of spring too. Everything just seemed right. That whole spring was the sweetest spring of my entire life.

When we lost our children to their severely abusive families, life was never really the same. Unlike death, you know they are still suffering somewhere, and you can't do a single thing about it. You constantly think about them and wonder if they are ok. You know they don't understand why you couldn't keep them with you, and wonder if they think it was their fault. You wonder if they even remember you, and if they do, if it brings joy or pain for them to think of you. You wonder what they are going through, are they warm at night, are they getting any form of healthy love. Sometimes you wonder if they are even still alive. You long to hold them close and tell them how much you love them, how special they are, and how much they are loved and deserve love, but you can't.

My perspective of mother's day changed. I became so filled with grief, pain, and agony, that any extra reminder of my loss as a mother was more than I could handle. I went from being a mother of many, to not a mother at all. People didn't recognize me as a mother anymore. I started hiding away on mother's day. I wouldn't go to church, or out to eat even, because everywhere I went was all about mother's day. I spent the first one hiding out in my yard working in my garden and flowerbeds, hoping the work would keep my mind off of the agony of the day. My mother's day present from my husband was all the stuff I needed to be out there doing that work (it was what I asked for).

The second mother's day was our last Sunday we were supposed to help out with music at our church before moving away, so I had to face my pain and go. When we got in the sanctuary to get ready to start the music, they played a mother's day video recognizing all of the moms. I couldn't even look at the screen, and started crying. I managed to force myself to pull it together, so I could still lead in the singing after the video was done playing. I told myself, “It's ok, it's over, recognition of the day is done, you'll be ok. You can do this. Don't fall apart now. It's done.” I repeated these things to myself in my mind as I headed up with the team to lead people in worship through songs. But then it happened, there was a break in the music, and yet another video was played. I couldn't believe that they would play another video with me up on the platform in front of everyone...Someone did not think that one through at all. I immediately started just looking at the floor and biting my lip in an effort to stop myself from crying. I tried to think of other things. I think I bit my lip so hard it was bleeding. I really struggled pulling through those last few songs without breaking down. But, I somehow held it together and got through it... Not without a few cracks in my voice, but I got through it. After making it through that horrible service, I faced another fear and went out to lunch with my parents, because I wanted to still recognize this special day for my mom and was already out. There, I was again reminded that I was no longer viewed as a mother by others, and all of the loss turned to anger and frustration. The waitress came and looked only at my mom and said, “Any mother's at this table get a free coupon book!” She handed it to my mom and started to walk away. I couldn't hold in the frustration anymore, and said, “I am a mother too.” Then the poor girl felt bad, and handed me a booklet while apologizing to me. I told her it was ok, but after that, I was more than ready to leave that place and get away from everyone. I cried a lot that day.

This mother's day, although we have had many foster children since that first experience, and have experienced new pain and loss since, I still struggle. And the truth is, I still mainly struggle over those first two we were told we would adopt, but instead had to watch them go back to suffering. I have another sweet little one with me this time, and love her in a way I never thought I was capable of again. It scares me. People wonder why I can't just freely enjoy the time given with her without worry or fear, but if they understood the loss and pain I've endured from letting myself love so deeply, then watching the system fail time and time again, I think they would be a little more understanding. I don't have adopted kids or biological kids still here when my foster children leave. We go from a full house of love to an empty house. There is no in between for us. I am here still wanting to skip church, still wanting to stay home, still wanting to just work on new flowerbeds and gardens to avoid the crowd. To avoid the constant reminders of the loss and pain. I love being with this sweet little one, but now mother's day also reminds me of my fear of losing this one to a horrible situation just like before.

Ladies, whether you are a mother of many children, a mother of grown children who won't be around this year, a mother who has lost their sweet precious little ones, a mother struggling to get pregnant, a mother who has suffered miscarriages, YOU are still a mother. You are not alone. We are here with you. We may be silently suffering along side you, but we are still here with you. God hears our lonely broken cries, and He is right here beside us. It's ok to ask Him to hold you through this. His peace is there. I would not have survived this far without Him. You are not alone. We are not alone.

Ministers, pastors, and priests, you need to recognize the pain going on within the church (the people are the church). You need to be paying attention to what is going on there. Do you have women struggling to get pregnant? Do you have women suffering from miscarriages? Do you have women in foster care or adoptive situations who have experienced heartache and loss? Do you have women who lost their children prematurely? You should be ministering to them on Mother's Day, not ignoring them. We love our God and Savior, our Comforter, our Strength, and we want to worship Him with you on this day just like any other day, so please let us! Let us join you, not hide from you! Help us worship God in this pain, which often times is the most beautiful form of worship...Help us do this.

Keeping the Spark Alive While Parenting

I've heard so many mothers struggle with this, and I myself have struggled with it. The only difference is, I've had 7 children and breaks in between with no children to help learn how to balance this struggle.

Being a mom and a lover at the same time.

Can all of the moms say an overwhelmed, "uggggg...... yes...." for me please? We've all been there! 

Now, I'm not going to claim I've perfected this, or don't screw things up sometimes. Trust me, I mess this up and lose my focus. None of us are perfect, as much as we try to pretend we are. But, here are some extremely valuable lessons I've learned along the way about balancing being a good momma, while also being a good spouse and lover.

1. It is ok to walk away to take a deep breath.
When your children are screaming and things are just out of hand, and nothing you do seems to fix anything, it is ok to step away for a minute and just calm down and refocus. Your kids need you to be calm and collected to help them through whatever crisis they are experiencing at the moment. And, you need to take a break for your own health and sanity. Breathe deeply, say a prayer, and refocus yourself. Being a mother is a wonderful blessing from God. You may not have your children forever, and eventually they will be all grown up and you will wonder where the time went. Remember these things as you refocus. Then, when you have collected your thoughts, go back out and calmly help them. They calm down better when you are calm. (Note: Always make sure they are in a child-safe/child-proofed room before you step away for a breather, and never leave your children alone in the house.)

2. When your spouse comes home, give him a hug and kiss, tell him you love him, and ask a quick, "How was your day?"
Trust me, I know this can be difficult when you've been running around like crazy all day long, are trying to get some food on the table, trying to get your kids to the potty and ready to eat, etc. But, this is very important for your spouse and for you. You need to let him know that you still care about him, even though your mind is running here, there, and everywhere.

3. Give your spouse some time to transition from work mode to daddy mode.
Before or after supper, this can be as little as 15-20 minutes to just let him clear his mind and be able to focus on the kids.

4. Give yourself a break.
After your spouse has had time to ready himself to help take care of the kids, go take a break. I suggest leaving the house, so you can't hear the kids at all. You can just go sit outside or go for a little walk. If it is too cold outside, shut yourself in your bedroom and lock the door to read, pray, take a quick nap, or just think. Clear your mind. You don't need to feel bad about this, because it gives your spouse some quality one-on-one time with your kids. It also lets your spouse know you trust him. 

5. Do something together as a family.
After you both have had a little break to clear your thoughts, spend some quality family time together. If it is nice outside, take the kids for a walk, take them to the park, or take them outside to play. If it isn't nice outside, play games, read, or have a special movie and popcorn night with them. Be involved. Play with them, snuggle with them, teach them new things, etc. Just be with them and be involved as parents together.

6. Bedtime. On time. Always.
As much as possible, send your kids to bed by 8pm. This is good for their health, and good for your relationship with your spouse. You and your spouse should get the kids ready for bed together. Be together as you tuck them in, read them their bedtime story, and say prayers with them. It is very important to do this together as a family. It is good for the kids and good for you and your spouse.

7. Quality time with your lover while your children are asleep.
As soon as you put the kids to bed, make some popcorn or a healthy snack, and just relax with your spouse. Use this time to either just talk, watch a movie or your favorite shows together, or play a game. Just relax and be a couple. This will help you move from being parents to being lovers again.

8. Exercise together.

Even if you don't do the same exercise routine, just do it in the same room or at the same time, so it is together. Together is key. It is good for your stress levels and your overall health to do even just a 30 minute workout each day. And, doing your workouts at the same time, not only means more time together, but also accountability to actually do it.

9. Go to bed together.
Bedtime for couples is very important, and I'm not just talking about sex either. Often times the best and most important conversations happen when you are comfortably side by side in bed. Go to bed at a decent hour, so you have time to talk with each other, do devotions together, and pray together. Read a quick devotional or chapter of the Bible together. Pray together. I cannot begin to tell you how important it is to pray together with your spouse. During this prayer time, I encourage you to mainly focus on praying for your children, each other, and your family. If you are early birds, you can always do the devotional and prayer time together in the mornings. The important thing is that you are doing this together every single day.

10. Go on dates.
It is very important to keep that spark alive by planning dates with your lover. You know what will work best for you, but I highly recommend going on dates at least once a month, but you should aim for more. Spice things up, and be creative for these dates. Have fun. After all, you don't get much alone time with him anymore, so use that alone time wisely. Can't get a night away? Baby sitter cancel on you? No problem! After putting the kids to bed, do something out of the norm. You can make a special dessert, set out glasses of wine, put a fire in the fireplace (or on the tv screen), look up some speed dating or interview questions, and have yourselves a fun little date for the night. There is no reason not to have a date night, even when you are stuck at home or completely broke. Be creative and change things up for that special date night.

11. Allow friend time.
It is good for you to get together with a friend or two for coffee or something fun and relaxing. You can do this in place of your break sometimes. And your spouse will need some guy time too, and that's ok. It is also good to spend time with friends together with your spouse. Have friends with kids over for a cookout, so the kids can play while you couples hang out. Never forget to have fun and to include your friends in your life. Friends are important.

This may seem like a lot, but when you actually put it into practice, it really isn't. It doesn't take much time out of your day to make time for your spouse and for you. And, you will find your family will be happier because of it. 

Not Forsaken

Isn't it funny how our minds forget things until the right moment?

Our sweet child is gone. This is about our fight for justice in this foster care system. 

At the beginning of our downward spiral of events, I thought that was the worst of it, and God would bring us back up from there. I remember reading Psalms and thinking how the authors would always one moment be praising God for the amazing and wonderful things He had done, and the next cry out, "My God, why have you forsaken me?!" Then back to the praising God again, just to go right back to crying out that He had forsaken them yet again. I laughed at their lack of understanding of Who God Is and that He clearly never had forgotten or forsaken them. Don't get me wrong, I love the book of Psalms, and I have read it over and over again - especially in my times of praise or need.

 At the beginning of these events, it was more than anything I had ever been through, could ever imagine going through, and way more than I was ever capable of handling. But, at the same time, I found strength, peace, and hope in the midst of it all. And, my faith hadn't been shaken. I firmly believed that God was going to deliver her - that He would deliver us. I had no doubt in my mind that He was going to bless the most difficult decision we ever made in our lives out of trust and faith, and bring her back to us before it got worse. I never thought it would come to this, because I've seen God at work - I've experienced His power, justice, mercy, and grace first hand! I had no doubt she would never go back to such a horrible situation. I had complete faith this nightmare would end before it became a terror. My faith was unshaken by the events, and grew stronger in it. God was going to deliver our family! So, you can see why I had these thoughts about the book of Psalms, and the authors' wishy washy faith.

Well, something I've learned in my walk, following Christ, is that God is always teaching me something. Sometimes the lessons are a lot harder than others to learn....well... a lot of times in my life they have been harder ones. Pain builds character though, right? And, if you get through the pain clinging to the Throne of Grace, you gain wisdom, right? So it's all worth it... just doesn't make it easier. (Note: I keep telling myself these things during this seemingly never-ending nightmare)

Things didn't stop there. Things didn't go the way I thought and believed they would. After months and months of constant faith and non-stop pain and agony, my faith grew weary. I became worn down, weak, and tired of seeing nothing happen when I firmly believed without any doubt that it would happen. I became broken...worse yet, shattered into billions and billions of pieces. My heart had been broken, those pieces taken and shattered, then those pieces taken and shattered again, and the cycle hasn't stopped yet. I am 100% broken. I am broken to a point that doesn't feel repairable. I feel so damaged. I am afraid to accept any other children into our home, because I don't think I'm capable of ever loving or bonding with a child like I did with her....ever again. I am broken to the extreme of brokenness.

After a full year of one disaster after the next, I am to the same point the authors were in Psalms. I have caught myself over and over these past few months crying out, "GOD, why have you for..." Then I stop and remember what I said about the authors of Psalms and got so frustrated about with them. Then immediately my cry stops dead in it's tracks and becomes, "God, why have You for... Please forgive me God! Oh God have mercy! Please forgive my lack of understanding, my frustrations, my doubt, my weakness. You have never forsaken me. I am not forgotten. You are in control. Even though I can't see it right now, You do! Forgive me. Have mercy!"

I cry out for God's justice. I cry out for His mercy. I cry out for His wisdom, guidance, strength, and hope. I cry out day and night!

To anyone out there who does not know Jesus Christ, God's one and only Son, and has not accepted Him into your life. To anyone who has never invited the Holy Spirit to come in and take over your life... I don't know how you survive. I don't know how you live. In this agony and what seems to be a never-ending nightmare, my only hope and peace are in Jesus' Name.

We are not forgotten. She is not forgotten. God will rescue her. He will deliver our family. I know this, because I know my Creator. He gave us promise after promise in His Word and to our hearts that if we ask it in HIS NAME, IT WILL BE DONE, that the Father will be glorified through His Son. HE WILL DO IT. God has won this battle already.

He said to wait, and so a year later, we are still waiting. Is this self-righteous? No. This is honestly and shamefully admitting my brokenness, weakness, and weariness. But, at the same time, admitting and remembering God is in control. He not only is fulfilling His promises, but picking up each minuscule piece of my heart and reshaping it into something new and beautiful. Even though I remember how happy and beautiful I felt in Christ with my daughter in my arms, I don't want to go back; I want to move on. I want to go beyond where I was and become something new. God is making me brand new, and when all the pieces are in place, He will not only heal this broken heart and fulfill His promises, but will turn this disgusting situation into something so beautiful that all will see His radiant glory blazing through our lives.

Call me a fool for believing, after all of this mess, that God is going to answer our cries for justice and mercy...totally fine with me! I still believe.

"If you ask anything in My Name, I will do it, that the Father will be glorified through His Son. Again, if you ask anything in My Name, I will do it."

"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart."

"And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? I tell you, he will see that they get justice, and quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?"

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."

"Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."

"...To give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness"

  The Unlovable

      You know, being a foster parent is extremely difficult in many ways... in fact, more ways than I could ever share on a blog.

       One of the struggles as a foster parent is dealing with the biological parents who have hurt or continue to hurt your kids. Many people think that we should hate the biological parents, especially when we receive a child who has been beaten black and blue or almost killed by them. I am often asked how I can stand even looking at them, after knowing what they did to my children. You know, at first, I struggled with that. I would try to put myself in their shoes, but it was very difficult. And yes, I often times had to deal with anger toward the families for what they did to these children I had come to love. God always dealt with me on that, and would give me the love and grace to forgive them, but it was always hard to go beyond that and truly love them. I prayed for them, but it was a very quick and probably not very earnest prayer.

     Through our experiences and losses in foster care, God has given me more love and compassion for these biological parents. I now understand what will give them comfort while their children are staying with us, and do everything I can to give them that comfort. I feel sorry for those who were raised in this horrible system themselves, as a result had horrible lives, and now their kids do too. Not all, but a lot of the children in our system are "repeats." Their parents were raised in foster care, and now they are in it too.

     It's really hard when you know for a fact that some of the parents are guilty, but they don't want to admit it, because they cannot love or forgive themselves for the shameful things they've done. They can't bear the thought of someone else knowing what they've really done. And, you just want to tell them, you know what they've done, you love them anyway, don't hold it against them, and are not judging them - you're not their enemy and they aren't yours. It's so hard when they are screaming out through their eyes and actions that they are unlovable even to themselves, and you are aching to minister to them, just love them, and cry with them, but you can't.

(Note: I'm not forgetting they often convince themselves they won't make the same mistake again, just as we all do ourselves with our mistakes, and therefore plead not guilty to get their kids back, only to repeat the same mistakes again. Or that some just don't view what they did as wrong, which is sad in and of itself.)

       We have all made mistakes; we have all committed unforgivable sins in our own eyes. But, our Maker gives us His Love and Grace freely, forgives us, and, better yet, cleanses us as though we never messed up at all - all we have to do is ask. And through His loving grace given to us, we have the ability to forgive and love others and show them the same grace God has given to us. But what about those times we are not allowed to tell them that?

     I really struggle with this right now. I hold such a burden in my heart for these people who just can't admit their guilt, and therefore, I'm not allowed to share this love and grace with them. It is so hard, because they themselves are victims, and I long and ache to just love them, cry with them, and show them forgiveness from someone who, in their eyes and others' eyes, should hate them. I want to show them the Loving Grace that Jesus Christ has shown to me. I want them to be freed from this just as much as I want their children to be freed from this cold harsh system that tears them apart. I want them to be free.

     These experiences have reminded me of God's love for us. In so many ways, this is how it works in our relationship with Christ. His love is there. He loves us. He died for us. He concurred death for us. He gave everything for us when He didn't need us, we needed Him. His love is there, His forgiveness is right there all along. We just have to be willing to admit that we need that forgiveness - that we need that love. We need to be able and willing to confess that we need it first in order to receive it. How agonizing it must be for Him to have more love than we could ever imagine along with the power to forgive us, heal us, and set us free, all the while, we reject that love and forgiveness, because we are too ashamed, too prideful, too caught up in covering up, and too afraid to let go, to just admit we need it. How He must ache for us!

    So yes, it is very hard for me to talk with the biological parents, but not for the reasons you may think. Yes, meeting them for the first time is a terrifying thing, having to see them over and over can be terrifying too, and seeing the condition these kids are in is traumatizing and something you never forget or learn to be ok with, but I am not angry with them for it. I AM angry with the one who makes this world as sick as it is. If anything, being a foster parent has made me hate the devil more and more every day. I praise God the enemy is defeated, and I long for the day when Jesus returns and God says, "NO MORE!"